According to statistics, blended families last an average of 5 years. The addition of children and other baggage makes working through issues more difficult in a blended family. Finding a way to work through these issues and difficulties will go far in helping resolve conflicts and help these families last even longer. It’s important to deal with conflicts as soon as they arise.
Communication
Keep communications open with your new spouse and with the children. Communication is the key to dealing with conflicts. Be open and honest about how you are feeling without being accusing. This may include taking a time out before discussing the situation at hand, but don’t leave issues unresolved as they can and often will fester until an explosion occurs.
Little Things Add Up
Do not let little things pile up. Tackle them as they arise. Remember that he may have been a bachelor for the last 5 years and it didn’t matter if he put the lid on the toothpaste or left it off. If it bothers you so much, accept that it obviously doesn’t bother him and put the lid on yourself and be done with it. No amount of whining is going to help him remember. You can mention it once offhandedly and let him know that you found the lid for the toothpaste and put it back on. If that doesn’t spur him into the action of replacing the lid when he is done, then forget it. Why make a big deal out of it? It is one of those little endearing things that we ladies learn to live with.
Let Go Of The Past
On the other hand, if he is still in communication with all his former leading ladies and does not have children with them, it is your right to let him know that it bothers you and is not normal behavior. Sever the ties and be done with it. He’s not responsible to these other women and by the same token, you’re not responsible to other men.
Pick your battles
You can live with the toothpaste lid off of the toothpaste. You may be able to live with some of the other habits that annoy you, but his teenage son may like to listen to music late at night while your teens prefer to go to bed early. Its time to invest in headphones and compromise.
Don’t let the little things that bother you get out of control and become a huge dinosaur in the living room. Make a time and place to discuss conflicts and get them out in the open as soon as possible to prevent hurt feelings and resentments from building up. The longer you stew in your resentments the larger they become. Its kind of like walking around the dinosaur in the living room. No one really wants to mention it and upset it, but someone really needs to get it out of the way.
If the conflict is marital, do not include the children in the discussion. Some things are meant to be private between a husband and wife. Keep them that way. Otherwise you will be getting all sorts of conflicting advice from the children and possibly even the ex spouses.
Discipline
When conflicts arise regarding the children, make a united front. If you need to talk to your spouse in private get the facts and tell the child you will discuss it and return. Have them wait there and go into another room. When you return present a untied front. If children many children think they can split you up by causing a conflict.
State the consequences of the offenses and make sure that the child understands that it is coming from both of you, not just the stepparent. Presenting a united front will show the children that you are making every effort to make this relationship last.
It’s Okay To Agree To Disagree
Recognize that not all conflicts will have an agreeable resolution. There are simply times where we have to agree to disagree. In these cases, state your case and acknowledge that you understand their side of it. Then as a mature couple agree to disagree and go on with life. Its too short to waste on a meaningless conflict that 20 years from now won’t even matter.
Not all conflicts are easy to deal with, but facing them head on and working through them will go far in preserving a new marriage and getting rid of the baggage from previous relationships.