Dear Hiring Manager,
I am writing to apply for the position of Head Butcher in your supermarket’s meat department. I feel I would be a wonderful fit for this opportunity. As a zombie, I offer several advantages over a living applicant.
First, due to the Zombie Equal Rights amendment, I’m a great Equal Opportunity hire. I can help an employer reach their diversity goals by filling the slot for gender, minority ethnicity, senior citizen status and undead categories. I am female; a combination Asian, Pacific-Islander, Native American and Swede (don’t ask); 856 years old, and, of course, a zombie.
Second, while movies portray my kind as stinky and decomposing, nothing could be further from the truth. I have no life in me, not even bacteria, so I don’t sweat or rot. I also don’t age or get sick for the same reason, so you won’t have to worry about me participating in your health plan. I’m dead so I won’t need life insurance. I laugh in the face of disabilities, lumbering through my work day regardless of injury or obstacles. I can work long hours without fatigue, which only plagues the living.
As you can imagine I’m very well educated on anatomy and how to extract the good parts from any animal. While your company only sells the non-human kind I assure you that I have centuries of experience with cattle, hogs, chickens and other animals, including seafood. Whole new worlds of fishing opportunity opened for me when I gave up breathing, such as walking into the surf and wandering around the ocean floor till I find a lobster. This worked out well for me since I never learned to swim as a child.
My compensation needs are modest. I’m happy to work for minimum wage and a little bit of brain from the specialty foods aisle once per day. I have excellent customer relations skills despite my appearance. I love people and am thrilled to, er, serve them. People engage well with me, particularly on spiritual matters, as I reside next to a church.
I look forward to scheduling an appointment to interview for the position. You may contact my references as soon as they dig themselves out for the day.
Sincerely,
Agnes (we had no surnames in the year 1155)