Ever wondered what you did wrong on a seemingly perfect date? Why didn’t he call back, or why he’s not responding to your text messages? Have you found yourself sipping cocktails with a group of girlfriends, in a heated debate on whether or not he’s into you? The day may never come when men and women are able to fully understand each other, but until that day comes, we have dating coach DeAnna Lorraine. Thanks to her honest perspective and expertise, she’s making the treacherous world of dating a little easier to navigate, one Q&A at a time.
Q. How did you begin your career as a dating coach?
A. Well the short answer is that I seemed to have been born with a “6th Sense” for dating and knowing how to attract the opposite sex. Also growing up the only girl among four brothers and a male-dominated extended family helped hone this even further. After many years of informally coaching friends, family and strangers, solving their dating and relationship issues, I realized that I just needed to turn this gift into my career.
Additionally, as a child of divorced parents I was always extra aware of relationships, especially failed relationships around me. This fueled my intense drive to understand the dynamics of romantic relationships and what makes them fail or succeed, which I realized all stems first from with knowing how to date successfully. Dating is the fundamental element that people struggle the most with, now more than ever before. Finding love is our most important priority, so much of our happiness and success is rested upon it, and choosing our life partner is about the most important decision you’ll ever make. Yet there are no preparation courses in school that equip us for success, no mandatory class for how to successfully date and attract the opposite sex, how to choose compatible partners, how to create and sustain a lasting relationship. Seeing this enormous need, I felt it was my calling. And as I figured, my intuition was right on. I’m crazy busy transforming the love lives of formerly hopeless single adults every day!
Q. What are the biggest mistakes women make when trying to attract men?
A. Oh wow, there’s so many! I have seminars and courses designed around just those mistakes! But in the interest of brevity, I’d say that among the top three attraction errors women make are:
Coming on too strong and not giving him enough of a chase, in ways such as texting, calling or making plans too often and too early. A man’s primal instincts will always be to chase what they feel is a prize. Give it to them too easily, or come on too strong and it’ll kill that drive for them.
It’s also a major mistake to dress too promiscuously and over the top on your first dates. Heels at the beach, a pound of make-up, cleavage-bearing tops and short skirts…believe it or not men want you to leave more to the imagination. Opening a present isn’t half as fun when someone tears off the wrapping paper for you, is it?
Don’t display insecurity and a lack of confidence early on. Never display insecurity no matter what you look and feel like! If you act like your Heidi Klum, even if you’re wearing sweats, no makeup, or it’s a “fat day,” believe me he will see you as a supermodel and treat you accordingly.
Q. Your philosophy is that one must be very comfortable and confident in their own skin in order to attract another person. Why is this so important?
A. It is so important to develop true inner confidence or what I like to call “inner game,” because without that, you will never be able to truly attract the opposite sex or sustain a lasting relationship. Having true inner confidence, means having an unshakable, unwavering faith in yourself, and a solid awareness and certainty of your value and unique attributes that you bring to the table, regardless of negative dating experiences or rejections. When you exude this true confidence, you act like a magnet for members of the opposite sex and you’re far more attractive and sexy in their eyes. This widens your pool of high-quality options, allowing you the freedom to be selective with whom you choose to date and the power say no to people that aren’t right for you. If you don’t have that solid, unshakable confidence, it’s definitely time to develop it!
Q. Some women I know don’t have trouble attracting men, but they don’t exactly attract the quality of men that they want. What advice would you give someone in this situation?
A. First, they need to get crystal clear on what they want, what their requirements are and what they’re looking for in their ideal man. Most people aren’t clear, so they end up attracting the wrong people for them over and over and they aren’t able to recognize the good potential partners, the losers, or incompatible partners.
Secondly, and probably the biggest reason why singles most often find themselves stuck, is that they need to possess all the qualities and traits that they are seeking out in their ideal man. Like attracts like, if you want a certain partner, you need to be everything that person is or work on improving yourself until you get there. The more you improve yourself and your life, career, the higher quality of a partner you will attract.
Q. But, some people think that having a list of what they want in a partner is it too limiting. Why do you think it’s essential?
A. It’s essential if you want to have success in your dating life and find a compatible life partner! If done correctly, this actually saves a lot of time, energy and mistakes throughout the dating process. One of the first things I do with most of my new clients is create these lists of qualities and requirements that they want to have in their ideal partner, because that forms the sort of road map for our search. How the heck can one know how to get somewhere if you don’t first know what it is you’re looking for! Yes, there is a line between being selective and being downright picky. A good barometer of that is if you’ve been dating actively and consistently for six months or longer and you haven’t met at least one person that you’ve connected with, it may be time to give your list a harder look and revise because it can be an indicator of having unrealistic expectations.
Q. Okay, so once we all use your tips and find ourselves in happy, fulfilling relationships, what are the most important things we can do to sustain that incredible relationship?
A. Keep it honest and use open communication. Compromise. Pick and choose your battles rather than nitpicking, nagging or bitching frequently. Have your own friends, Interests and life outside of your relationship and partner, and make sure to maintain it! Avoid the trap of monotony. Always keep things surprising, fresh, sexy and exciting. Have fun with each other!
Q. What do people often do wrong in relationships?
A. So many things can strain a relationship and kill attraction over time. I’d say the top five mistakes that people make in relationships are:
Getting too jealous and possessive of their partner, or becoming needy and clingy.
Not expressing themselves honestly and fully. This includes wants, needs, complaints and requests. They feel that since they found their partner, they don’t need to try anymore. They get too comfortable, let themselves go, stop dressing or cleaning up for each other, gain weight, disregard their manners, and so on. They let the relationship get monotonous and predictable. Always keep things fresh and fun and find ways to surprise each other!
They make their relationship their whole world and merge into one identity, losing their individual selves and neglecting their other interests, friends, and life.