What Do I Do If I Think My Teen is Using Drugs?

Sadly, drugs seem to be so readily available these days, that many think it’s perfectly normal and perfectly okay. I cannot tell you how many teens have looked me straight in the eye and told me that because weed is “natural” it is actually good for you. And they often believe there are no risks or downsides whatsoever.

If you suspect your teen is using drugs, the first thing to try to understand is why. In my experience working with teens (and adults, for that matter) drug or substance use of any kind is a form of escape 100% of the time . Strong words, I know. But I believe they are true.

So for me the next logical question is to figure out what they are “escaping from.” It could be worry or sadness, grief or stress, pressures of school or life or competing at some sport or other activity, troubled relationships with a dating interest, friends, YOU (the parents), or even boredom. Once you understand this, the next step is to try to talk to them . . . that doesn’t mean yell or threaten or berate or degrade them. It means to genuinely try to put yourself in their shoes and show that you understand where they are coming from.

You were a teen once. Try to remember what it was like to feel so out of control over everything in your life. Try to remember a time when everything seemed like a crisis. When having a bad hair day was a good reason not to go to school. When the girl you had a crush on didn’t speak to you as she walked by, and you wanted to throw up.

If you think your teen is using drugs, but you don’t know . . . it’s pretty clear you are out of the loop. One of the reasons they aren’t telling you what’s going on in their lives is that they have figured out it’s not always safe to tell you stuff. They know you might judge them or reject them or punish them in some way, and they don’t trust you.

To try to get through to them, you have to let them know they can trust you. You have to show them that you are on their side. That you are not simply going to try to control them (they hate that as much as you do.)

It is okay to have consequences if you find drugs or drug paraphenalia. It is okay to have rules and enforce them. In fact, they need rules and guidelines and structure. They need some sense of predictability of what will happen. But they need these things administered with love and compassion and not with an “I gotcha” attitude.

Building trust with your teen will be difficult for all of you; it will take some time. And teens will often push back with everything they’ve got. They don’t want to start trusting you again without really testing you. They have to know it’s real and not a trick.

But you can stand strong; always speak to them with love and not rejection. The connection with them is the key. Reconnecting will put you on the road to solving the drug issue and helping them understand that you aren’t something they need to escape.


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