Parenting Battles: Where’s That Handbook When You Need It?

As a young teacher I saw a lot of parenting mistakes. After five years, I knew that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes with my own baby. Of course, 15 years and two children later, my parenting handbook still has missing chapters. One of the sections that I have had experience with, however, is the part about parenting athletes. Through my experiences as a gymnastics, karate, soccer, baseball and ski racing mom, I’ve fought the hardest parenting battle: the agony of defeat.

Every parent wants to see their child shine and thrive in something that makes them feel good. For my kids, ski racing has been that ‘something’. Every year, from December through April, we are a ‘snow family’. We spend each weekend, and several days during week, driving, training, and racing – we’re on our eighth year straight.

Ski racing is a sport where a hundredth of a second makes the difference between winning and losing, and one mistake can cost the race. It involves not only physical strength and agility, but also mental focus and confidence. If one of those attributes is weakened or missing, it can be a game changer. There is no one else to fall back on – it’s all on the athlete. That’s a lot for a kid to handle.

At a recent race, my son was having a great run – all indications were that he would have a fast time and a good finish. Within the blink of an eye, I saw his skis fly off, his body flip, and he slid out and into the neighboring course, colliding with another racer. My heart stopped and fear entered my body. He lay there for a moment, and then began to gather himself up. Slowly he regrouped and skied off towards the lodge.

Although grateful he wasn’t seriously physically injured, I knew the emotional injury would be devastating. By crashing, he had not only lost the race, but also eliminated himself from any hope of winning the league at the end of the season.

As I made my way after him, I prepared for the conversation that was sure to come. How would I explain away the disappointment, the frustration, the self-directed anger? My parenting handbook was missing this chapter.

I could see the emotions on his face, and felt the tears welling in my eyes as I enveloped him in my arms. Suddenly it came to me. I knew what to say and do:

First, listen. Let him spill out his thoughts and feelings and validate them.
Second, reaffirm my unconditional love no matter the outcome of the race. Third, help him see the realities of the situation. Spell it out and take away the ‘what-if’s’. Fourth, give him hope. Remind him that this is only a moment in a long series of moments in life. Fifth, hold him tight. Get him to smile and know that this too shall pass.

All that, and a hot chocolate did the trick. Another chapter was complete.


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