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Question
My husband and I married at age 22 and had two children by 24. I’ve read that guys don’t really mature into being real dads until they hit 27 to 30. My husband hasn’t quite adapted to being a dad and doesn’t do much with the kids by himself, as if he is afraid he can’t handle an emergency without me or my mother around. I no longer spend much on myself, but he still buys his own toys, like remote-control vehicles and video games. Is this normal for his age? Will he grow up to have a better bond with his kids (and me) when he is older?
Answer
Generalities are dangerous. We’ve all met men in their 50s who have yet to mature enough to act as good husbands and fathers. However, plenty of boys in their teens have fathered children and quickly become excellent parents.
In general, men mature later than women. In general, women bond better with young children than men. Whether men like playing with toys (gadgets, video games, etc.) more than women do is a matter for debate. But in general, both men and women believe this is true. Given all that, your husband’s actions are neither unusual nor age-inappropriate.
Over time, many men become more active fathers, finding their children more interesting as they age and gain skill at interacting with adults. Your husband may outgrow video games as well, though plenty of men enjoy such activities their entire lives. However, you have no guarantee that your husband will make these transitions on his own, and bad parenting has nothing to do with age.
Plenty of men, even those with great intelligence and professional success, feel inadequate when faced with the task of caring for a baby solo. The reason for this is also a matter for debate. Perhaps the blame lies with societal trends that teach girls at a young age to think about babies and boys to think about anything but babies. Perhaps you are such a good mother that he trusts you more than he trusts himself and sees little need for direct involvement. Regardless of the reason, you should begin addressing this now.
First, encourage him to become more involved in his children’s lives. Start out with family activities, asking his opinion about what to do and how to do it. Over time, you can wean him onto the concept of solo parenting, at least for short periods of time.
Second, try playing to the man’s strengths. You didn’t mention the age of your children, but once they reach 2, many enjoy computer games. Purchase a few computer games for toddlers and suggest to your husband that he play them with his children. You may also want to introduce them to age-appropriate remote-control cars.
Third, ensure that you are not the problem. Do you routinely tease or belittle your husband regarding his parenting style? Does your mother? Men who don’t like fighting with their wives often, when confronted with such conflict, retreat into activities they can enjoy alone.
Fourth, plan some family trips to places your husband likes to go. Get him used to the idea of socializing with the children in a fun, comfortable atmosphere.
Fifth, don’t allow the children to become the sole object of your attention. Many young parents – particularly mothers – structure their lives around their children. Your husband’s distance may stem less from fear or disinterest than from an inability to penetrate your own wall of responsibility. Yes, you must take care of your children and spend time with them. But you married that man before you had kids, and after those children grow up and move out, you’ll be left with that same man. Give the kids what they need, but be sure to devote some of your attention to your husband. Even if it means cutting back on a few of the things the children want.
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