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Question
What shall I do? I feel so worthless. I’m 14, and was an only child until age 9. My mother and her new husband now have four daughters, and the oldest is 5. I love them, and I help look after them. But they’re a lot prettier and more talented than I am. They get a lot more attention than I do, and I get pushed to the side. Once I went out without asking, and my parents never noticed. They care just that much about me. Even though I love them, I feel guilty that I preferred life as an only child. I’m happier at my dad’s home. Am I wrong to feel this way? What can I do about these feelings?
Answer
You are not worthless. Start by realizing that fact, then we can move on to dealing with this situation. You said your sisters model and dance, which you never could. Well, so what? Most of us don’t dance particularly well, and it’s not a big deal.
The list of things I do poorly dwarfs the list of things I do well, a failing shared by every person I’ve ever met. Don’t focus on what you can’t do. Instead, do what you enjoy doing. Spend your time developing skills for which you have an aptitude. And most of all, don’t worry that your little sisters are better at a particular skill than you. That was inevitable, as it is for just about every older sibling on the planet, and over time those differences in interest and skill will blossom into the different personalities that add seasoning to all families.
The isolation you feel is common to older siblings, particularly those able to mostly take care of themselves. Your parents now have younger children unable to do things without adult help. In addition, with five children instead of one, their time is necessarily split many more ways. Because of your age, you require the least assistance and attention.
While you aren’t wrong to feel left out, I encourage you not to blame it on yourself, or on your parents. You now have four little sisters. Revel in them. Involve yourself in their lives and help out your parents as much as you can. Be the best big sister you can be and establish relationships with your younger siblings individually, separate from their relationships with your parents, and separate from their relationships with each other. You can become a special, relevant, and important part of the lives of everyone in your home, if you choose to go that route.
Question
My husband and I enjoy traveling to less-fortunate countries such as Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Nigeria, etc., to help both kids and adults. We were thinking that when our children are old enough we should bring them along. But we don’t want to hurt them. People have told us that seeing people in these types of conditions may cause them harm. Do you think that this could harm them in anyway? We only do this once each year, and we also take vacations to nice places. Will taking kids to disadvantaged countries harm them?
Answer
I question both the wisdom and the heart of people who suggest that viewing the effects of poverty will do any harm to your children. You will share the experience with them, explaining the need and how you hope to help. Such a trip won’t necessarily drive your children to a life of service to others, but it will certainly help them appreciate what they have.
Such insights can cause children to stop taking their own blessings for granted. As long as you take pains to keep the children physically safe and to help them cope with any situations they don’t understand, your children will emerge from the trip wiser than they were at the start. I’ll take that kind of harm any day.
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