On Friendship with Teachers, Appropriate Relationships, Homosexuality, and Rebuilding Relationships

Stop here every day for a new question and answer, practical help for busy parents.

Question

Is it okay to be friends with a former teacher? In my last year of high school I got pretty close to my psychology teacher (we’re both female). She helped me with rough material in her class. And after I moved on from her class, I’d pop into her office once and awhile to chat. Now I’m in my first year of college and we exchange e-mails. I’m going back home for Christmas, and I would like to invite her out for coffee. I don’t want to cross any boundaries, so would this be inappropriate?

Answer

Not at all. Students and teachers should take care not to get too chummy while they share a classroom. But after that – and particularly after the student has graduated – you are no longer teacher and student, but friends.

By all means, have coffee with your former teacher. Many teachers maintain contact with students long after they graduate. And when you cultivate friendships, they grow strong and last long.

Question

My son is 17. He came out of the closet last year and I reacted very badly, saying some horrible things and calling him some disgusting names. After that I pretty much cut off contact with him. Now I’ve realized my mistake and desperately want to be a part of my son’s life. I’ve reached out to him and asked him to have dinner with me, but he isn’t sure if he wants to see me. I’ve apologized a bunch of times, but it hasn’t made a difference. What can I do to show him how sorry I am? What can I do to prove to him that I’ve changed?

Answer

Give him time. The boy doesn’t trust you, and he has reasons for his feelings. If you want to show him you’ve changed, then change something other than your mind. If you have a problem with his homosexuality, then the two of you are simply going to disagree. However, while you may not approve of his lifestyle, as his father, you can still show him you love him.

I understand that you now want to talk to him. But unless your son sees a new and improved you, he has little reason to stay in touch. This problem could take some time to solve, and the burden is on you. With that in mind, try the following:

Be courteous and pleasant at all times, regardless of what he does or says. When you see him, give him a friendly greeting and ask after his health. Talk about politics or movies or whatever topics the two of you used to discuss before your estrangement.

If he doesn’t want to talk, don’t push it. Try sending him a letter. He may return the letter unopened, and you can’t afford to become angry if he does. Send a new letter once a month or so, but make sure your subsequent letters don’t read the same as the first. Be original.

Set a good example by treating others in the family with respect. Be polite to everyone around your son. Do this consistently, and over time.

Give him a present this Christmas. Nothing obviously lavish, as such efforts can feel like bribes, but something you know he’ll enjoy. Spend as much on his gift as you spend on your other children, or on older family members if you have no additional children.

Basically, you’re trying to rebuild a relationship. You need to establish that you value your relationship with your son, and that in fact you have changed for the better.

If you’re a praying man, this sounds like a good time to call in some extra help.

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