Marriage breakdown, infidelity, separation and divorce are all too common. The casualties of divorce are husbands and wives, sons and daughters, grandparents and family friends.
Divorce is not a phenomena that ‘blows over’. The fallout goes on for at least one generation – that of the husband and wife – and often two, where the children of divorced parents are badly affected.
Unfortunately, there is no evidence to indicate that divorces are becoming less common. Many men and women continue to marry, have children, then split and enter into second or third marriages, forming “blended families” which can turn the abandoned spouse upside down and shake the security of all the children involved.
Although most partners filing for divorce are wives, they usually give up on their marriage after discovering their husband is having an affair and/or after the husband’s departure from the family home. Often the husband will quickly remarry, creating a second marriage with his lover once the divorce comes through.
Here one husband explains why he took a lover, left his wife, ended his first marriage and married his mistress.
Phil and Clare had been married for 13 years when Phil decided to take a lover.
The couple have three children. Their youngest was seven weeks old when Clare found out that Phil was having an affair with a young, married colleague.
“I had really loved Clare” Phil says “and our marriage was good. We were sexually compatible, had lots in common and I didn’t think twice about getting married. I wanted to marry her. I believed our marriage would be for life and thought I would never be unfaithful. The whole idea of infidelity was anathema to both of us. Clare wanted to start a family as soon as the wedding was over and I was fine with that. I was into work. She was into babies and wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible. I liked earning the money – being the breadwinner – and she liked being pregnant and then looking after little kids.
Once our son and daughter were born and a few years old I decided I didn’t really want to have any more children. We’d done the pregnancy/nappies/sleepless nights thing and I wanted us to get our lives back a bit. Go out more; get more time together. For a few years we did that and then when Clare got into her late thirties she got broody again. Our kids weren’t so small any more and she wanted another baby.
I was totally against having a third baby. I just didn’t want the hassle or the financial worry or the whole baby and toddler thing again. But month after month we got stuck in this wrangling about a third child. It affected everything between us. Sex became like a battleground. I began to worry that she’d deliberately get pregnant and pretend it was an accident. I started not to trust her when she said it was a safe time in the month and so on. She would sometimes try to ‘seduce me’, not using contraception, and I hated that. Our sex life became tense and screwed up. With her fertility declining, she was getting more frantic. After months of debate and argument, I got drunk one night and risked a pregnancy. She got pregnant. I was extremely unwilling to have this third child. It was like she’d won and I’d lost. She’d got her way. She was forcing me to start all over again – another 20 years of child support.And, needless to say, once she was pregnant she went off sex. I was fed up with everything really.Our sex life, family life, marriage, domesticity. It all felt like a trap.
Then I met Tanya. Clare was still pregnant when I started the affair. Tanya worked with me and treated me like a man and a colleague. She was interested in me and not looking for a man to father children. We quickly became flirty with each other and it was clear she wanted a sexual relationship. It was such a change from Clare who wanted, frankly, a sperm donor and a man to fund ‘her’ children’s upbringing.
Tanya was into sex for the sake of it. Our sex life was spectacular. At work during the day we had to behave because we had colleagues around us. It heightened the sexual tension to a ridiculous degree. We’d go to her flat during our lunch hour and we’d sometimes go there in the early evening too. I didn’t feel much guilt about the affair. I felt that Clare had the kids and her pregnancy and I had my lover and my sex life.
I didn’t think about how the affair would progress to be honest. It was so compelling that I just went with the flow. Tanya was a wonderful lover – attentive, attractive, fun, really into our sex life – and when I went home Clare was huge – because of the baby – and had nothing much to say apart from talking about the kids. With Clare, I was going through the motions of being a husband and father. With Tanya, I was living.
I didn’t find it hard to conceal the affair because Clare really wasn’t taking much notice of what I was doing. I could say I was going down to the pub for a couple of hours and she’d just say “Oh, OK.” Then I’d nip round to Tanya’s. It was exciting and secret. I found infidelity surprisingly easy.
But I made one slip and that was I left a note from Tanya in a pocket. Clare found it when she was doing the washing. It was fairly sexually explicit so I couldn’t deny that I had a lover. The baby was a few weeks old. I was kind of stunned when Clare told me to leave the house. She carried on about betrayal and what a cheat I was and so on and basically threw me out. After I left I felt as though this was what she had wanted all along – the home, the kids, and my financial contribution to the childcare.
After that, I moved in with Tanya and just saw the kids at weekends and during the school holidays.
Clare and I couldn’t talk somehow. The marriage had just imploded. The third baby was the the end of it. Clare asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said I didn’t really know. She said she did. So I said “OK then – we’ll divorce.” The period before the divorce was weird because she sent me lots of mixed messages – wanting a father at home for the children, wanting to talk about why I took a lover, wanting me to stop seeing Tanya so we could work on our marriage. But all the time the divorce was progressing. She seemed to be in a real state sometimes but I don’t really know how the divorce affected her.
I didn’t want to give Tanya up because she was being great about the divorce. But our sex life suffered a bit because, naturally, I was going through this break-up. Once the divorce came through, Tanya asked if she and I would ever get married. I thought that over for a few months and then thought “Why not?” I didn’t want to live alone or find a new lover. She wasn’t pushy. And she was great with the kids when I had access. So we got married the year after I divorced. There’s an age gap – she’s only 33 now – I’m 46. But Clare and I had an age gap too. Tanya promised me she doesn’t want kids before I married her and she knows that would be a dealbreaker. I’d rather divorce again than have a fourth child.
Clare and I hardly talk these days. It’s just business, childcare, money – passing the kids back and forth. She looks much older than she did before the divorce. She’s lost her looks. I’m much happier with Tanya. Our sex life is still pretty good even though the intensity has worn off. I wouldn’t really say I chose to get divorced. Things just turned out this way because my wife wanted more children than I did. I think most married men will take a lover if the opportunity presents itself to be honest. It doesn’t mean we all want to get divorced though. I probably would still be married to Clare if she hadn’t insisted on having a third baby. But it’s just the way it went. Two kids – marriage; three kids – divorce. I don’t suppose I’m the only bloke to get fed up with the domestic life and a house full of kids. The thing is – most men, given the choice between a house full of children’s toys and a flat with a sexy, available woman in it will choose the sexy woman. We’re mostly not suited to monogamy and raising kids in my view. It’s just the way men are. Sex is so important.”