Taking a break from our scenic bike ride, my boyfriend of four years, Ben, and I stood on the rocky beach of the island, gazing through the drizzling rain at the water.
Turning to face me, Ben gingerly lowered himself down to one knee amongst the stones and pulled out a ring, the princess-cut diamond solitaire I had always dreamed of.
“Will you share the rest of your life with me? Will you become my wife?” he asked.
Suddenly, the sun burst through the clouds, illuminating the profile of the man knelt before me as I slid the cool, gold ring onto my finger and admired the glittering diamond.
I was now an engaged woman. It was a picture perfect moment. Except for one, small, minute detail:
I was two months pregnant.
While the biggest decisions most brides may make are where to host the wedding or how many people to invite, a much bigger decision looms over the pregnant bride.
First comes baby? Or first comes marriage?
It’s a decision that both my cousin-in-law Jacquelyn and I faced. She chose to wait until after her son, Eli, was born to wed.
“It’s hard to narrow it down to a primary reason why I decided to wait until after I had Eli to get married,” Jacquelyn said. “But it was mainly because I wanted to be sure I was entering into marriage for the right reasons. Finding out about Eli was definitely a blessing, but it was also a surprise. I didn’t want to rush into a wedding while I was trying to figure out a life that was best for my baby, my (now) husband and myself. With the situation we were in, we knew we loved each other; But we wanted to be sure that our relationship was ready for marriage, especially after a baby came along.”
As for me, I chose to take the plunge into marriage during my pregnancy. Ben and I both felt strongly that we wanted to be husband and wife before took on the role of parents. With college graduation, job hunting, finding our first apartment, and a baby looming in our future, we felt it was best to get married as soon as possible.
At five months pregnant, after two months of planning, I walked down the aisle. 400 guests craned their heads to look at me, not just to see the blushing bride or beautiful dress, but to see if I was starting to show.
Jacquelyn and I had different experiences and different reasons for our choices, but the journey to the aisle as a mom is one that many women will make. For the bride who is contemplating the pregnant v. the post-partum walk down the aisle, here are some considerations:
1) Breastfeeding– For some women, the thought of disrobing out of their wedding gown to nurse an infant in the middle of the chicken dance may be a deal-breaker. For others, like my cousin Jacquelyn, who nursed her baby in a closet while her mom held her dress, it’s no big deal. Keep in mind the age your baby would be at your wedding-A newborn requires feedings every two to three hours, while after the age of four months, frequency of breastfeeding reduces to about four or five feedings a day. Pumping, while not romantic, would also get the job done. Scout out the ceremony and receptions sites for a private place with proper electrical outlets for your breast pump. And as Jacquelyn pointed out, it was slightly unromantic to “whip out the breast pump” as soon as she and her new husband arrived at their wedding night hotel. But, she said, “I know my husband loves me and thinks I’m beautiful-the unromantic parts are just part of marriage too.” So true. 2) Childcare– You’ll want to think about the care of your child during your wedding and ceremony. Do you have a family member who can care for the baby through it all? A quiet place for the baby to nap? Jacquelyn accomplished this feat quite nicely, with family members trading on and off throughout the day. She even incorporated her son into the ceremony, with the groom holding their six-month old as she walked down the aisle towards both of her men. Unfortunately, her son was cutting his fist tooth that day and cried the entire time, but it was still adorable. “While Eli was definitely on my mind all night,” Jacquelyn said, “I knew he was in good hands and I was able to have a good time at my wedding.” 3) Your Body-Sorry ladies, but we have to talk about it. Fortunately, you should know that all women gain weight differently during pregnancy. Unfortunately, if this is your first pregnancy, you may gain more weight than with subsequent pregnancies. With weight gain often comes swelling, so also consider the wedding ring. Towards the end of my first pregnancy, I had to replace my wedding ring with a larger substitute ring because my fingers were so swollen. A ring resize may be necessary after you deliver, or a “dummy” ring could be used in the ceremony.
And then, there’s finding the dress-the magical moment-when your closest girlfriends gather around you in awe as you twirl gracefully in front of the gently-lit mirror that highlights your beauty. Or, if you’re me, puking in the parking lot of the dress store and buying the first dress you try on. Either way. Pregnancy and dress fitting can be tricky. They used an interesting padded belly contraption to estimate just how big I would get by my wedding date and I bought the dress a couple of sizes too big, just in case. The most important thing to remember about the dress, however is this: Find a seamstress. You may just find yourself calling her, crying and hysterical on the eve of your wedding when your twice-let out gown tears down the side. What? I said I was swollen –
Jacquelyn actually chose her wedding dress while she was pregnant and used the help of a seamstress to estimate her post-delivery size, as well as make alterations down the road. Jacquelyn used her upcoming wedding as a motivation to get back into shape. With the goal of fitting into her dress always on her mind-“I tried the dress on right after Eli was born, and couldn’t zip it up!” Jacquelyn said-she started exercising and taking spinning classes when Eli was three months old to lose those last extra pounds.
4) Outside Pressures-If you’re already pregnant, it’s probably no big secret that many people will have opinions on how to parent, from everything to breastfeeding to pacifier use to which brand of diapers is the best (Pampers has my vote). The topic of marriage will be no different. I heard it all-from my mom, who urged me to not to rush into marriage, to statements of “Of course you’ll get married right now, you can’t keep living in sin!” With so many opinions and pressure from people you love and genuinely want to please, like your parents, you may need to take time to get away and focus on what you want. Jacquelyn experienced many of the pressures that I did-we share some of the same family, after all-but while I lived very near to family, she lived out of state. “[Getting away] was huge,” said Jacquelyn. “I needed the mindset that this was my wedding day and to not worry about what other people thought.” 5) Honeymoon-Looking at pictures from my honeymoon, my pregnant body stuffed into a bikini and stretched out on the sand, my sister fondly dubbed me “Shamu.” While I enjoyed a last pre-baby vacation, lounging about with a virgin strawberry daiquiri in hand, Jacquelyn took a “familymoon,” tagging along on her husband’s scheduled work trip to DisneyWorld. And this fall, Jacquelyn and her husband will take a “real” honeymoon-a once in a lifetime 12-day trip to Italy. 6) Resources-Consider the emotional, financial, and physical resources needed to plan a wedding. Depending on the size of your dream wedding, it may be an involved and lengthy process, and you will need to decide how you can handle the planning and work involved. With school, work, and my pregnancy, I found that I just couldn’t summon the energy to plan all the details of the 500+ people wedding we had. I knew I wanted to get married, but I needed help. My solution? I learned to say “thank you.” Family and friends stepped forward to help with previously undiscovered talents-an uncle/budding photographer! An aunt who bakes wedding cakes! The lady I used to baby-sit for, a florist arranger! We ended up with so many gifts of time and talent at our wedding, and it made the night meaningful for everyone.
On the other hand, it was important for Jacquelyn to be involved in planning her wedding. Waiting until after Eli, “I had time to plan things out and I got to do things how I wanted. I purposefully chose that.” She had the wedding that she wanted and was able to be a part every step of the way.
7) Your New Normal-This one is important, so pay attention. Before you decide to get married, and especially if you decide to get married as a pregnant bride, you need to understand that there is no such thing as “normal.” As a 21-year old pregnant bride, I felt like no one really knew what to do with me; I didn’t have a bachelorette party or a bridal shower. I didn’t question the lack of “normal’ bridal activities because I didn’t think I deserved them. I was wrong. Please learn from my experience and realize that as a pregnant bride or as a mother, you do deserve it all.
Jacquelyn didn’t have a bridal shower (her choice), but she did have a bachelorette party. “I really wanted to do the bachelorette party,” she said. “I needed that time with my girls. I even brought Eli with me along for the weekend, and hired my brother and his girlfriend to watch him when we went out. I knew this was the only time I would do this, so I tried to make the best out of the situation.”
Getting married as moms, Jacquelyn and I both learned that there is no right or wrong way to have a wedding. There are no wedding police that will come and shut you down for not having a traditional wedding.
I can say that I never thought my wedding would turn out the way it did. No one expects Cinderella to bring a baby to the fairytale wedding. But I also didn’t think that my wedding day would set the precedent for the rest of my life, in realizing that life can’t be fit into neat little boxes. That the only thing that prevents us from enjoying life as it happens is the expectation of “the way it is supposed to be.”
That sometimes, you can create your own fairytale.