I will never forget the day that I looked in the mirror and really saw the lady looking back at me. I was not thirty-five anymore. I was not forty-five anymore. I was fifty-one years old. And, in that moment of clarity, it hit me like a 2 x 4 in the gut. Two-thirds of my life was well and truly gone! My breath caught in my throat-I was actually moving beyond middle age.
In this same moment, I realized that I had been doing my days as the “walking wishful.” I kept thinking somehow my “life” was going to show up. It was just around the corner, just after the next event, just there-don’t you see it? I also saw that it was time I started doing my life, because I was heading towards the exit sign. But to do this, I had to face my past.
I had taken the hard, cold facts of my past and covered them with paper-mâché, creating dolls that I had painted “pretty colors” and had placed on the shelves of my mind. For me to get truly honest about me, I had to grab these “dolls” off the shelf of my memory and smash them on the floor. And, there in the debris, I saw the real truth. There I was.
There was the truth that I was insecure in my talents because I had never owned them or worked to make them mine. There was the reality that I was a coward about speaking openly about what I felt and what I really needed. And there was the fact that I had chances and opportunities that I had simply walked away from. And over there was the fact that I had gone along for a ride in my marriage-I had not brought my full self to it. There were the lost years with my children because I myself had been lost. There also was my fear and my having given up.
But in amongst the sorrow of this debris, I saw shining sparkles as well. Glittering up at me were things I had let go or forgotten about myself. There was courage. Over there was my very large heart-my huge capacity to love. And over there were self-discipline, responsibility and strength.
As I stared at the shattered bits of my life on the floor, I realized how extraordinarily powerful I was. Look at the mess I had created! My life was the result of my actions, my choices and of my having simply settled. Then another truth hit me: What could I not do if I made better choices and decisions-if I fully claimed my actions? So with honesty and grit, I accepted these truths of me. I tossed my illusions and delusions and picked up those glittering pieces, as I started living my life with clear eyes and a full-wide heart.
So, I wish you the courage to smash your dolls, to see your truth and find yourself. Within the shattered bits are those you can finally toss away and those you can claim as your true treasures and gifts.
Robin Korth
Insightsonaging.com