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Question
I got my first boyfriend about three months ago. My mom wasn’t supportive at first, but she actually did like him after she got to know him. I haven’t told my father because he’ll be upset about the little age difference. I’m 14, and my boyfriend is 17. Dad says I should have friends my own age, and he’s being a hypocrite – my mother was 16 and he was 21 when they started dating. My dad doesn’t know I have a boyfriend yet, but I think it’s time I come clean about it. But I know he’s going to keep bringing the age thing up. So how do I tell him without him getting mad over just a 3 year age difference?
Answer
There is no way to break the news without making him angry. Yes, you have to tell him. Because as angry as he gets when you fill him in, it won’t compare to his fury if you don’t tell him, because he will eventually find out. Dads usually do.
I understand your criticism of your father. A five-year age difference is substantial, and on the surface his demand may seem unfair. But in this case I side with the man for three reasons.
First, a three-year age difference isn’t much if you are 30 and he is 33. But at 14 and 17, the three-year gap is huge. I could argue that socially and developmentally, those three years are comparable to the five-year difference between ages 16 and 21. Most parents would not approve of a 14-year-old dating a 17-year-old, and with good reason.
Second, what you call hypocrisy he might call wisdom. If he started smoking at 12, does that mean he is hypocritical if he won’t let you smoke at 12? Parents hope their children will avoid the mistakes the parents made years ago, not repeat them. You have no idea how your parents’ relationship developed in its early years. You know the basics, but I can guarantee you that your parents have not told you everything, as the details are, quite frankly, none of your business. Yes, your father met the woman he married through a relationship with a substantial age gap. But such relationships often burn out quickly. And often, someone is left badly hurt.
Third, your father has the awesome responsibility of looking out for you. Fathers must draw on their broader experience to do the job. He knows more about life than you do. Perhaps you understand that deep down but won’t admit it. And perhaps you truly believe that at 14 you have absorbed more wisdom than he has. But in just about every case regarding whether a teen-age girl should date an older boy, father really does know best. Regardless, with that parental responsibility comes authority. And if he does not think you should have a 17-year-old boyfriend, that’s his call.
Of course, your mother should deal herself into this issue. The tone of your question suggests that you intend to tackle this issue on your own, and I recommend against that. You have absolutely no chance of winning this fight if you take on your father alone. Talk to your mother and let her know that you intend to tell Dad, and you’d like her to be there when you do.
What should happen – and probably will happen if you approach the matter properly – is a meeting between your parents to sort things out. They may make you part of this meeting, although if they asked me about this, I would suggest that they talk outside of your presence. Once they reach an agreement, you would be wise to abide by it. Children who try to sneak around behind their parents’ backs can end up in many types of trouble, and you have little to gain by flouting their authority.
I suggest that if you want to date an older boy, you begin by laying the groundwork. Let your every action demonstrate your maturity and your ability to make wise decisions. This will not happen overnight. But children best earn independence by proving they can handle it, rather than by complaining, whining, or acting on their own to violate parental directives.
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