When a family splits, children feel as if they are a possession. They may understand on some level, what is going on, but they don’t really understand, nor should they have too. This battle is between the parents and the kids should not be involved anymore than necessary. A child is more concerned with the fact that their entire life is falling apart, everything they know and love is crumbling. These are the main topics you should cover during a break up.
Your feelings may be crushed and your heart may be shredded and stomped on, but lets face it, kids come first. They depend on mom and dad , even if one is a step parent. Your child has no control over who their parents are, nor do they care if you cannot hold it together anymore. They want food, clothes, a house to live in, and the electricity on. They also want to know what is going to happen with their lives. This is not a lot for a child to ask for, they deserve this much out of their parents.
Custody and Visitation:
Children deserve to know what is happening in their lives. Covering custody and visitation before things actually get “ugly” is very important for the children’s well being. I know you are probably sitting there thinking, “well we decided to part as friends, we don’t need a legal custody agreement.” Yes you do! Many couples part as friends and feel that they are adults and are able to handle verbal agreements when it comes to their kids. For some, they might be able to for a while, but eventually, things get ugly.
When it comes to verbal agreements, people change their minds. Verbal agreements can be taken back at any time. All it takes is one parent meeting someone new or getting angry and the entire set up goes south. It is best to have a written custody agreement, signed in front of an attorney and submitted to the courts.
Another more fearful thought: If you do not have a written custody agreement, physical possession is the law. Your ex does not have to give your child back. Lets say Jr. goes to visit daddy on Friday, with your permission. Daddy doesn’t legally have to give Jr. back on the day or time you agreed on. No amount of law enforcement can legally make him either. This means you don’t get to see Jr. again until you take daddy to court, or daddy gets into a better mood.
Child Support:
Lets face it, unless you have a really good paying job, you are going to need financial support from the other parent. Typically, this is done at the same time as the custody agreement. However, this may be done separate. Sometimes it is done through the state child support agency. This means that custody does not ensure visitation, and visitation does not ensure child support. It may sound confusing, but that is how it is. If you cannot come to an agreement, you should file with your local child support agency as soon as possible. It can take months for a case to get into court.
Items:
It is important to ensure that items are split up between the two of you. You don’t need your ex coming back and saying, “well I want that and you didn’t give me a chance to claim it.” Typically, whoever gets custody of the children, gets the house, but this is not always the case. If you have any dispute, let a court separate items, this will minimize dispute and prevent serious controversy.
Mediation:
Typically, if a couple cannot figure out the items listed above, the court will not get involved until mediation is sought. Not all states require this, but quite a few do. This can be a very uncomfortable process for both of you. Essentially, you sit in a room together, usually with just a counselor, and attempt to work through your differences. Everything that is said in mediation is kept confidential and the mediator cannot be called into court to testify. They are a completely neutral party.
Honestly, you have to be careful of how you phrase things when you are in with a mediator. One time the word “afraid” or “scared” are uttered, mediation is over. If someone is physically scared, mentally scared, or even acts scared. The mediator will sign you right out the door and you land in front of a judge.