The Common Divorce Mistake Even Good Parents Make:

We have all heard horror stories about parents who handle their divorces poorly and end up hurting their children along the way. You know, the ones who dramatically pull their children into every argument and force them to pick sides? It’s easy to judge parents who behave like this, and to be confident that you’d never let your child’s well-being become a casualty of your failed marriage. But, the reality is that many caring, thoughtful parents in the midst of a painful divorce unknowingly engage in behaviors that cause their children emotional harm. These behaviors are often very subtle and scarcely detectable to the untrained eye. However, they can have the detrimental effect of thrusting the child into an adult-like caregiving role that they are not yet emotionally mature enough to handle.

If you’re a parent going through a divorce, there’s no need to fret. You can easily avoid or change this pattern by taking a step back, honestly assessing your own and your child’s behaviors, and making conscious changes in how you interact with your child post-divorce. First, ask yourself if any of these statements apply to you and your child:

Your child seems to magically know to nurture and comfort you when you are feeling down about the divorce, and you have been relying on her more and more to do so. She avoids talking about your ex in front of you and shuts down whenever you bring up him or her. She never talks about the divorce with you, but you are aware that she has been venting about it to another adult she trusts. She has suddenly become more independent than before and rarely comes to you anymore for help with things like homework, getting ready for school, etc.

If any of the above descriptions applies to your child, there is a good chance that she is putting her own emotional needs on the back burner in order to care for and protect you. She may be so concerned about your well-being that she is afraid to burden you with her own worries. This can be problematic because your child needs your help to understand, verbalize, and work through her own complex reactions to the divorce. Also, kids are only kids once, and will have to deal with their own adult problems soon enough. Why not let them have a few more years of innocence?

Here are five simple steps you can take to prevent your child from becoming your post-divorce caregiver:

1. Keep spending quality time with your child, but stop turning to her for emotional support. It’s okay, for example, to distract yourself from the divorce by engaging in fun activities with your child, but avoid venting to her, crying on her shoulder, or asking for her advice.

2. If your child notices that you are sad and comments on it, acknowledge how you feel, but avoid offering too much detail about why. Say something like, “Thanks for worrying, Honey. I’m having a bad day, but I’ll be fine.” But avoid statements like, “I’m feeling really lonely because I miss your dad.” Your child may press you to elaborate on your feelings, but this doesn’t mean you have to. You’re the adult and you set the limit on how much you share.

3. Make an extra effort to check in with your child every day to see how she’s doing and what she needs. If you open the dialogue, it will be easier for her to bring up any worries on her mind. Also, keep an eye out for subtle clues (e.g. spending lots of time alone or seeming quieter than usual) that she may need you more than she is letting on.

4. Be careful not to attribute your own feelings about your ex to your child. You may be annoyed that your ex is always late to pick up the kids for visits, but this does not necessarily mean that your child has even noticed this tardiness or is bothered by it. If you complain about it in front of her, she will likely feel pressure to agree with you regardless of how she really feels. If she does express negative feelings about your ex, validate and support her perspective, but refrain from adding your own two cents. As tempting as it might be, keep yourself from saying things like, “I know you’re mad that Dad’s running late. He’s so inconsiderate!” Instead, say something like, “I know you’re upset about it. Why don’t you talk to your dad about it when he gets here?”

5. Last, but most importantly, acknowledge to her that you are still adjusting to the new situation and may make mistakes as you go along. Encourage her to tell you if you are doing something that upsets her, or if you’re not doing something that she needs. If and when she does come to you with constructive feedback, tell her you are proud of her for telling you how she feels. Do your best to truly listen to her point of view and to make the changes she needs you to make.

The period following a divorce is a difficult and challenging time for any family. Following these five simple steps will help you and your child to sail smoothly through this rough patch. As a bonus, you and she will have a stronger relationship to show for it.


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