I have thrust myself into this maze,
Haply to wive and thrive as best I may.
William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616) The Taming of the Shrew
I was prompted to write this article recently after watching the Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries wedding extravaganza (Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event) on the E Television Network. I started thinking about the dynamics that shape a successful or failed marriage. I am not a marriage counselor or doctor of any kind. I am coming strictly from a life experience background. Kim and Chris’s interaction on the E reality show provided a good backdrop to fashion my thoughts. The comments that follow are not an attempt to offer advice to newlyweds or aspiring newlyweds. Whether a newlywed or aspiring newlywed finds the comments relevant is a matter of personal choice. Although the commentaries are constructed from Kim and Chris’s interaction on the reality TV show, it should not be implied that this writer considers Kim and Chris’s union to be on shaky grounds. That is not my judgment to make. I wish Kim and Chris nothing but the best. My comments strike at the heart of why a marriage may succeed or fail. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, in the US over 50% of marriages fail. There are also an additional number of couples that stay unhappily married for reasons such as children, religion, money, family, etc.
In this life of ours, everything has a price. We have two choices to pay. We can pay upfront (in advance), or nature will extract in ways we are totally unaware of. The price for a successful marriage is no different. Each party must be ready to give up something of his or her self, and accept accompanying sacrifices. The big problem is, that’s easier said than done.
Let’s start with Kim and Chris. Several Kardashian family members indicated that Chris Humphries is a nice guy. I have no doubt they are right about Chris. But being a nice guy is only a start. Marriages that failed, did so not because the bride or groom wasn’t nice people. They failed for multiple reasons including incompatibility. Signs of incompatibility or other detriments often cast their shadows during courtship but are mostly ignored because as Shakespeare said “Love is blind, and lovers cannot see”. More times than not both parties will convince themselves that they are fully compatible and ready to “tie the knot”. But that’s usually a matter of cerebral judgment and not a true measurement of the realities. What we are, who we are, and the values we bring can create a toxic barrier that prevents a successful union. Marriage as a union requires a willingness by both parties to surrender their values at the door or be willing to surrender them on demand. It’s not always cool to fight for what we believe is right or wrong. What’s right for one person may be wrong for another. If it’s something worth fighting for, both parties may need to have a meeting of the minds sooner rather than later. Early warning signs on such matters as personality traits, bad habits, etc. to which one is diametrically opposed should never be ignored in order to rush into or force a marriage.
For what is wedlock forced but a hell,
an age of discord and continual strife?
Whereas the contrary bringeth bliss,
and is a pattern of celestial peace.
William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616) Henry Vl
Getting back to Kim and Chris. Watching Chris one gets the feeling he is a likeable guy, but a few things are worth commenting on. Whether it is just reality TV (acting from a written script) or his real personality doesn’t change my conclusions. The conclusions may also be relevant for aspiring newlyweds. In one episode Chris indicated that “what made me realize Kim is the woman I want to marry, I look at her and I see the mother of my children”. OK, that might not be his sole purpose for marrying Kim, but it is obviously at the forefront of his mind. Are there not better reasons for getting together in matrimony than the idea of having children? Sure Chris would love to have children with Kim but the union shouldn’t rise or fall on that one issue. What if Kim can’t bear children? I would hope that’s not the case, but what if. Would that change the dynamics of their relationship? Would it alter his feelings towards her or place unwanted pressure on their union? Remember, if the love for each other is not pure, the foundation will be shaky.
On another episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim lost one of her diamond ear ring and started crying hysterically. She thought the ear ring was too expensive to lose (the pair cost $75,000). Chris was taken aback by her response. He thought she “flipped out hard on him”. Later while recalling the moment he had these words: “Certain things I don’t care about, so I’ll let her do her thing, but certain things gotta go my way”. There is a counter-productive posture established here that could become a cancer to their relationship. Does he really understand who Kim Kardashian is? The possibility is, if Kim ever loses anything that cost $75,000 she will flip out hard, because that’s who she is. Some things may never go Chris’s way, but he uses the term “gotta go my way”. But, what if they don’t? Then what? For all aspiring newlyweds, reconcile yourself to personality traits that may seem odd. Without such reconciliation, you should give thought to your readiness to “tie the knot”. It’s counter-intuitive to simply expect things to go the way you would like them to. They might, but don’t expect it. The first rule in any developing relationship is; get to know your partner. Your expectations could be the enemy of the union, specifically for things only one partner can control. Your partner spent his or her life developing their personality traits. It’s not unrealistic that you expect them to change certain things, but don’t demand it. Accept your partner for who they are and hope over time they will evolve. Be prepared to let go of your demands, and give up the best of the bargain, especially in moments when you believe you might be right. Things have a way of resolving themselves over time.
Time! The corrector when our judgments err”
Lord Byron (1788 – 1824)
For most of us, letting go is easier said than done, but there is no other way to avoid fighting and tearing yourselves apart. It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about finding and maintaining a balance that keeps the relationship active and happy. This was borne out quite appropriately when Kim made a decision to keep her last name as Kardashian and not change to Humphries. She did this partially on her own and partially with some help from her family. Later on when she informed Chris of her decision, Chris’s response to her was, “grow up”; we have to make these decisions together. I believe Chris was right, but Chris should have just let it go and leave it up to Kim. She may need time on her own to figure out and recognize where and what her true loyalty should be. The person next to us will love us more when we cease to be hung up on our own self professed virtues. Letting go would have made Kim love him more.
By letting it go it all gets done.
The world is won by those who
let it go. But when you try and try
the world is beyond the winning.
Lao Tzu
Kim knew that if she talked to Chris about whether to change her name, his preference would be that she change her name to Humphries. And, he would insist on winning that battle. She recognized that Chris does not easily set aside his values. So, she felt compelled to go elsewhere. An example of Chris’s refusal to set aside his values occurred on another episode of the Kim and Chris wedding extravaganza when Scott suggested that Chris “take it easy with the loose lips” when dealing with the sisters. That was based on Scott’s own experiences with the family, and was in reference to Chris’s continuous verbal spars with Khloe. Chris responded; “I can’t live in this family if I can’t be me”. Hopefully, Chris and all of us will learn someday that what we know as ourselves or “me” today, is a work in progress that is continually evolving and changing, adapting to new circumstances. It is not an individual’s quirky value system that is the fault; it is the individual’s stubborn refusal to let them go. It would make Chris more honorable to let go, adapt, and be more humble. Our ego can be our worst enemy and humility our best friend.
“Humility makes great men twice honorable”
Benjamin Franklin (1706 – 1790)
In closing, we live in an imperfect world. We may not always get it right. But the simple effort of trying may provide insights that are most valuable
.