Time stood still. As I kissed my husband’s face for the last time the rush of emotion drained my body. I noticed the specks of gray in his hair as I fell by his side and held onto his body for the last time, giving him one last embrace, begging life back into my sweet Jacob. What was left in this world? Tears poured down my face as I saw him lay in our bed. He had moved on and left this world. As the picture of the one I had loved for so long regained collection in my memory it was no longer the old, tired, aching body of the husband that I remembered. I now saw him young, handsome, brave, and strong, like the young lad I had fallen in love with so many years before. Jacob was my first and only true love and now he was gone.
As I turned around to leave the room, I saw my daughter standing in the corner. I had not noticed her standing there, though I wondered how that could be for the sound of sobs being emitted was completely audible, even to the deaf. Julie had just lost her father and now all we had were each other. I wondered what to do, “I can’t handle myself, much less take care of a child. Jacob was always the one to handle tough situations.” Making eye contact, the two women looked at each other both thinking the very same thing. We are the love of that man’s life and no one, no one, can ever take that from us. Julie walked over to her mother, wrapped her arms around her tiny waist, and began to speak.
“Tell me how you made it work mom; tell me how you loved my father and how he loved you,” she said. I looked around. Was she talking to me? Did she really expect me to explain anything to her right now, especially something so complicated that I would not even know where to begin. Maybe she just longed for his name. We sat on the sofa. O, that sofa, yes, the one where I would lay and rub Jacob’s feet after a long day, or he would hold little Julie when she was hurt or upset. In a matter of moments, that old tattered sofa was now a priceless gem. I was brought back into reality as I heard her whisper, “He used to say he loved you mom, everyday he would tell me he loved you and me.”
I sat there and thought to myself it is never in the “I love yous” that make me know. As I began to speak through the tears, I noticed that she was intent, focused, and yearning for something to grasp. She needed to latch onto memories, like a little baby grabs at its mom’s fingers. She needed to hear what I had to say. “Honey, it was never in our words. Your father and I always said I love you, to you, and to each other, but it is never the words that made me feel like magic. It was everything else.” I could tell she was pondering this idea, as a student with fresh eyes, she urged me to continue.
“From the day I met your father, I knew he was different. On our second date, he swore he would one day marry me. We courted for months and then he was sent away to fight in the war. He begged and pleaded that I should wait. I made no promise, but when he left the idea of another man felt like adultery. I waited for your father and during that time, we wrote. We wrote letters, poems, ideas of our life and future together. We even discussed you. How we one day wanted a special little girl to shower with love.” I paused and took several deep breaths to calm my thoughts and I let my baby girl soak up the story. These beginnings brought a sense of peace to my heart.
“I received a letter one day with something bulging through the envelope. I opened it with great care and an anxious heart. It was a ring, a ruby ring with diamonds on the side. He had attached a letter, which was written in circle designs. Please be my wife it said, this is as good as I can do now, but just be with me and one day I will give you the world. As I placed that ring on my finger, I allowed the vision of a life with Jacob to enter in my realm. I began to daydream what it would be like to own the world so to speak, and it sent a great sensation surging throughout my entire body.”
“Yes mom, I know, you told me this, but how did you know? How did you know this man loved you and that you loved him? How did you keep the excitement alive that most people lose or never discover?”
“I knew in many ways. Your father came home one day from work after an exhausting week and brought me tulips. He sat down at the kitchen table as I prepared his plate and I could not understand how after such a long week and a long day he would have possibly had time to stop and get me flowers. I had been with your father for five years and I felt like I knew him inside and out. He was a careful man, with a gentle hand, and a warm heart. His kindness was something I yearned for in my own life. He had once again remembered to tell his wife I love you without saying a word.”
I got up and walked outside after that story. My body was distressed and my mind was empty. I was a worn out car that needed to be taken in. At what point would I realize that this was not a dream? When I go to bed tonight and I am alone? When I set the table and he no longer sits? This was real and I could tell Julie was beginning to brace herself. She too, knew that it would hit her hard, not sure of when that would be, I think the stories kept her mind from remembering what had happened to her father just minutes prior.
“I felt the most secure, safe, and comforted when I was in your father’s arms. He said more with his touch than most people say in a lifetime with words. After you were born we didn’t have a lot of money, and we were always tired. Your father was working two jobs so that I could stay home with you. Every night when he got home we lay in bed listening to the radio. He held me and sang to me. The caress of his hands made me know that no matter what I was loved by this man.”
I sat there and my mind floated off to the times we had spent in that bed. That was another time when I knew Jacob loved me. The intimacy shared between two people could be no greater than that of Jacob and me. All insecurities and vulnerabilities were strewn about the bed in a way that screamed passion and affection. There were no secrets. I knew my husband loved me then because it was something that no one else in the world could feel but me.
“I know that as your father grew older he grew to be a quiet man but he had a sense of humor like no one else. We would laugh for days on end. As you grew up, I think that is how we showed our love to you and to each other. Laughter made long days short and hard days easy. It brought comfort. “
Julie’s mind began to race. She no longer questioned any of what her mother was saying. She knew that what her parents had was real, as real as the death of a loved one, as real as the death of her father. She decided at that moment she had heard enough. She could take no more.
And with that, their conversation came to a halt. She nestled in close to her mother and yearned for the kindness, the touch, and the laughter that once filled this house where she was raised. She knew there was love in this house and she knew that there would always be love. As the tears subsided and the dread of the days to come set in it was like a black cloud had been lifted. Although they would never see this man again, they didn’t have to be sad. Their need for devastation and heartache would soon be lifted and replaced. Time would heal their hearts and their memories of their hero would sustain them. Julie wrapped her hand into her mothers and whispered, “I love you.”
Her mother gently tightened her grip on her daughter’s hand. She loved her as much as she could love anyone else in the world. They would survive. They would carry on their father’s pride with a sense of duty. She looked her daughter in the eye and said, “I love you too.” For once, the words I love you proved to be all that was needed.