The Emperor’s New Clothes

Watching the Republican nomination race unfold, I couldn’t help but draw some parallels to my closet. Yes, my closet.

Mitt Romney is a classic but aging suit. It is a suit that is showing signs of wear and has been tailored many times to reflect new and fashionable trends. It never really goes out of style, but it also is never a clear winner on the red carpet.

Michelle Bachman is a very uncomfortable overly conservative outfit that has been passed down a few generations. It has been worn since a cheeseburger only cost 35 cents and gas was under two dollar s a gallon. The garment also comes with an unnecessarily large number of tags. Each one reminding you to machine wash warm and that 50% of the purchase price was donated to help 23 foster children . Charitable? Yes. Necessary to remind us every step of the way? No.

John Huntsman is a male bathrobe/kimono combination. Despite this distinctly American creation with some Asian flair (and his daughters’ best attempts ) it just has not, and will not, catch on.

Herman Cain was a line of trendy t-shirts with pizza stains all over it. Inexplicably, like crocs and jeans with precut holes, it took off and was immensely popular. This was in no doubt due in part to its $9.99 asking price. However, the general public soon realized that this shirt was offensive and its sales have been suspended indefinitely.

Rick Perry is a three piece garment made out of sheer nylon. The three pieces are the hat, the shirt, and um… Like any sheer fabric you can see through it and the voters have realized there is not much there.

Ron Paul is like the old shirt you received from a high school track meet or a 5k road race back in the 80s. Strangely this analogy is made even more appropriate considering he has been running for that long . The shirt is comfortable but completely threadbare. You haven’t worn it in public in 15 years because it has the date on it. Sadly, it’s time to retire this piece of clothing.

Newt Gingrich is the ridiculous golf outfit that only works at one specific time and place. Sadly that time and place was last month. It’s time to shed the flat cap with pom-pom and brightly colored checkered pants before it leads to your third divorce .

After looking through my closet, I, like many Americans, will be reaching for the suit by default. It’s not controversial and it still fits. It is conservative but not overly so. It doesn’t look as good as it did when first worn for the Olympics in 2002 , but it is capable and the only thing that can potentially unseat the Democrats in 2012.


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