The cold hard facts of an abusive teen relationship are: it hurts; it is crazy-making; it is shame-inducing; it is devastating; it is scary; and it exists.
Read that again. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse exists in teen relationships.
The kids can tell you. Many have heard of it even if they don’t know what it is. Nearly one out of ten teens, grades 7-12, male and female, have been physically abused, according to the Center for Disease Control.
As a parent, you may not have heard of abusive teen relationships before. It is like spousal abuse. It is an issue that no one really likes to talk about. It is unpleasant, ugly, and feels shameful. When it happens in someone else’s relationship, people wonder if it really is their business.
It is your business.
Kids who are in abusive relationships are at higher risk for increased drug and alcohol use, risky sexual behavior, developing an eating disorder, and attempting suicide. Even if they can’t tell you, these teens are scared and confused.
Teens who are in an abusive relationship and wonder what to do should know this:
If what is happening in your relationship makes you feel bad, betrayed, and is so bad that you don’t want to tell it to anybody, then it is time to get help and leave the relationship. If you feel afraid that the name-calling or hitting was your fault, and you feel ashamed about what happened then it is time to get help and leave the relationship. If you feel afraid about your boy/girlfriend’s reaction and are worried that s/he will get violent hurting either him/herself or you, then it is time to get help from an adult and leave the relationship. If you are abused and confused about ending your relationship, it is time to get help from an adult to leave the relationship. It is time to heal yourself and learn what a healthy loving relationship looks and feels like.
A healthy loving relationship does not involve someone forcing or pressuring you to have sex. It doesn’t involve emotional or physical threats. It doesn’t involve put-downs, insults, or name-calling. It doesn’t involve hitting, punching, or kicking.
If the person who says they love you is doing any of these things to you, it is time to get help and get out of the relationship. Get the help of a trusted adult. Seek therapy with the support of your parents or trusted adult.
Parents, be alert to your teen and your teen’s relationship. The following can be signs that it is time to talk to your teen to find out if there is an abusive relationship.
Bruises that are not adequately explained, especially bruises that could be from punching, choking, being thrown down, or fighting back including sprained wrists. A change in mood to being depressed, irritable, with outbursts of anger. A loss of motivation; loss of interest in goals. No pleasure in the activities that used to give pleasure. Profound dip in self-esteem, character. Increase in drug/alcohol use. Being overly defensive of boy/girlfriend. Persistent worry about boy/girlfriend’s reaction. Controlling or angry boy/girlfriend. Threats from boy/girlfriend that s/he can’t live if they break-up. Signs of verbal abuse from boy/girlfriend including insults, name-calling.
If you have reason to believe that your child is in an abusive relationship, it is important to listen – and to show that you believe them. They will need your love, support, and encouragement to move forward and deal successfully with this issue. They will also need the help of a therapist. As a parent, you, too, may need support on how to deal effectively with the issue. The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline is free, confidential, secure, and available 24/7. It has information and support available for the victims of abuse as well as their family and friends. https://ohl.rainn.org/online/