Sports Briefs: Leaving NFL Camps

by on September 10th, 2014
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Joe: The Dallas Cowboys need a nickname without the word “Jerry”: stadium is now Jerry-Dome, team is Jerry-Boys and cheerleaders are Jerry-Girls.

Chris: The New York Giants still need to work on confirming that Eli Manning’s brother’s injury is not in any way inheritable or contagious.

Brad: The Philadelphia Eagles still need to work on playing football now that they have learned to “tweet.”

Ralphie: The Washington Redskins still need to work on finding a quarterback.

Joe: The Chicago Bears need to forget the letter “D”: Da Bears, D-Fence and Da Man (usually a reference to former coach Mike “D”itka).

Chris: The Detroit Lions still need to work on convincing Justin Verlander to overcome the awkwardness of the quarterback/center exchange and be their starting signal caller.

Brad: The Green Bay Packers still need to work on keeping their fans in the stadium and not in jail.

Ralphie: The Minnesota Vikings still need to work on figuring out how to get the Redskins’ old quarterback to help them win some games.

Joe: The Atlanta Falcons need to concentrate more on winning the Super Bowl and less on free waffles, home makeovers and scratch-off lottery tickets. Everybody seems to want to be like “Jerry”-Marketing.

Chris: The Carolina Panthers still need to work on arranging new pastimes and legal bonding activities that Cam Newton and his father can enjoy together.

Brad: The New Orleans Saints still need to work on holding on to the ball.

Ralphie: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers still need to work on their defense.

Joe: The Arizona Cardinals need to give this writer something to write about other than their players may want to take a course at the University of Phoenix-Tweeting 101.

Chris: The San Francisco 49ers still need to work on convincing Alex Smith that they really do believe he can win games and do not intentionally plan on using him as a sacrificial goat in order to draft Andrew Luck.

Brad: The Seattle Seahawks still need to work on a permanent roster.

Ralphie: The St. Louis Rams still need to work on placing better than 26th in the NFL in offense.

Joe: The Buffalo Bills need to have more articles written about them in American newspapers than Canadian newspapers.

Chris: The Miami Dolphins still need to work on finding a replacement for Pete Stoyanovich.

Brad: The New England Patriots still need to work on finding Tom Brady a brain.

Ralphie: The New York Jets still need to work on actually making it to the Super Bowl.

Joe: The Baltimore Ravens need to receive a commission from the University of Maryland for stealing the logo on the Ravens shield and placing it on their 2011 uniforms. Actually, they both need to send the money to the state of Maryland-it’s nothing more than a copy of the state flag.

Chris: The Cincinnati Bengals still need to work on creating a budget, determining a location, sending out invitations, ordering food, drinks, cutlery and entertainment and purchasing a thoughtful gift for Carson Palmer’s retirement party.

Brad: The Cleveland Browns still need to work on a name of their own.

Ralphie: The Pittsburgh Steelers still need to work on not getting fined so much for rough hits.

Joe: The Houston Texans need to place a big alarm clock on sidelines so they can wake up Wade Phillips when the defense goes out on the field.

Chris: The Indianapolis Colts still need to work on finding a witch doctor to heal Peyton Manning’s neck.

Brad: The Jacksonville Jaguars still need to work on getting a quarterback.

Ralphie: The Tennessee Titans still need to work on playing good football for the whole season and teaching their players to behave.

Joe: Denver Broncos need John Elway to be ready to suit up Monday night-just in case.

Chris: The Kansas City Chiefs still need to work on ascertaining whether Todd Haley’s screams and consistently raised voice are a result of hunger irritability or a sign of an urgent need for a hearing aid.

Brad: The Oakland Raiders still need to work on winning a game.

Ralphie: The San Diego Chargers still need to work on making it back to the playoffs.

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