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Question
My baby girl is only two months old. The father has never been around – he took off with my best friend when I told him I was pregnant. He has another daughter, this one 2 years old, and he is a part of her life. The day will eventually come when I must explain why my daughter’s father isn’t around, and I don’t know what I’ll say. I hate him so much, but I don’t want talk badly about him to her, and I don’t want to lie. What should I do?
Answer
First, don’t panic. You won’t have to address this issue for several years. By then, your situation could have changed.
Remember that your ex-boyfriend does act as a father for one child, so he isn’t opposed to the concept. The circumstances of his departure probably influence his actions regarding your daughter. He ran off with your friend, and you said you hate him. At this point, he probably sees little upside to maintaining a relationship with the baby, probably because it would require him to also maintain a relationship with you.
At some point, the man’s outlook could change, and he might approach you about spending some time with his daughter. Then again, he might not. But at this point, you don’t know enough about the future to plan a conversation you may never need to have. In addition, I caution you against bad-mouthing the man. For better or worse, he is your daughter’s father, which gives him the legal and moral right to involve himself in the girl’s life.
If you poison a little girl’s opinion about her father before she is old enough to draw her own conclusions, you sabotage any relationship they might eventually develop. In addition, you may prejudice any custody-related case, as many judges frown on parents speaking ill of their ex in front of the children.
If the man isn’t supporting the baby financially, I encourage you to get a child-support arrangement and ensure that he does his duty. Beyond that, leave the decision about involvement up to him. When you force a reluctant father to spend time with his child, bad things can happen.
Question
How do you explain “bad words” to a 2-year-old? My ex-husband taught our 2-year-old daughter vulgar words, instructing her to use those words to me and other people. He also told our 4-year-old that she was fat, and that I didn’t love her (both lies). I have since stopped visitation, and I think the older girl is OK. But while our 2-year-old has since apologized and stopped using the words, she has also asked why she can’t say them. How do you explain to a 2-year-old why she can’t say bad words?
Answer
You’re overthinking this. The girl is 2. Tell her the words are rude, and that if she says them, she will be insulting people. Then tell her to stop saying the words. No further explanation is necessary.
However, you should also take some action of your own to ensure that your instructions stick. I edited your question quite heavily, but your own use of profanity begs the question – do you use vulgarities in the home? Profanity is profanity, and while you and other adults may assign varying levels of offense and disrespect to different words – as in, some cuss words are worse than others – children won’t exercise that degree of discrimination. If you swear at home, your children will believe it is OK to do the same, regardless of what you tell them.
In your letter, you used a profane and disparaging term to describe your ex. If you speak of the man in such terms at home – or even if you simply run him down without using profanity – you sink closer to his level. Perhaps the man deserves condemnation, but you do your children a disservice by maligning their father in their presence. And as you learned, such conduct can have a boomerang effect.
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