God? What is that? Who is that? If there is a God, which one is the “right” one? Only now as a 23 year old woman do I find myself asking these questions. Searching for something, anything to guide me. Growing up I felt as though I ‘knew’ there was a God. Everyone around me told me there was, and when you’re a child you listen to everyone around you, right? Well yea, you do. I did. My earliest memory is holding my doll in my arms and praying so hard to God that when I grow up I’d be Selena! Or if not that, my doll would be Selena! Ha! I know right! It’s true! That is the belief, at about 3, I had in him. In retrospect I just laugh, I no longer believe in fairy tales! As an innocent child it’s easy to follow until you have your own experiences to lead you.
My early childhood memories are great. I didn’t know at the time that we were poor. We lived in the most dilapidated house on Lone Tree, and that’s saying something! I had a huge family though and tons of cousins who were always around! My parents did the best they could, I guess. My father has always been an alcoholic and just never had the want or strength to overcome that addiction. I was about 11 when he went to jail and my grandparents stepped in to help us out. I had no idea the innocence I so dearly miss, would never be seen again.
It was a nice windy day. My grandpa picked me up from school he said we were going to look at this horse! It was a light brown pony, just what I had been hinting I wanted. I talked to his owner a while and rode the little pony. Just before we left he asked, “Now what are you gonna give me if I get this for you?” I knew exactly what he meant just by how he said it. I prayed just to disappear! Was he serious? My own grandpa! I thought what if I run? Where will I go? I got in the truck and we drove, but not the same way we came. He took me down this little gravel road. I try not to think about it anymore, but that went on for a couple years. I finally told my counselor at school; she told my parents and my mom just started balling! They stopped talking to him for a week! Then all was normal again! He never touched me again, but every time I see him I’m just disgusted! Tell me what God would allow this to an innocent child?
When I began high school I just didn’t have any enthusiasm for it, for anything. Until one day my friends introduced me to marijuana. From then on I was never in class! I’d walk to her house everyday and after 2 years I just decided to drop out all together. I was taking full boxes of Coricidin HBP because I saw how good it made you feel on a news brief with my mom! I was doing cocaine, drinking, and exstacy. I got a job as an overnight cashier at Mcdonalds in March of 2005 and after 1 month of working and doing cocaine almost everynight I had my first seizure. One morning I came home from work, sat down on my bed, my left arm started to feel really clammy, and clench up. It was the worst pain I had ever felt! I couldn’t control anything! I couldn’t breathe, I started falling back so slowly. I saw a bright light and I thought I was dying I felt like I was dying. Then I woke up. You’d think that would make me stop doing drugs, right? No! That was just the start!
I fell hard into addiction! I was the poster child for the hamster wheel analogy. I went around and around in circles to never gain an outcome. I kept the mindset that I would always have seizures so I may as well keep doing drugs and enjoy myself while I could. Thus further harming my body and my mind! Pushing myself into a deeper depression and making me yearn for more harmful substances to suppress the pain. I felt alone in my disease no one I knew had seizures and sometimes I wished I’d just have that one that would kill me. I would do so much drugs that I’d wake up feeling dead, like I had no blood in my veins. I contemplated suicide a lot but had no energy even to do that. Or maybe I just didn’t have the courage!
When I got pregnant with my daughter in 2009 what else could I I do but pray. Here I am pregnant at 20, on Topamax which causes so many birth defects like spina-bifida and down syndrome. Her fathers first words after hearing I’m pregnant are “I’ll pay for the abortion!” I did a lot of thinking and decided I wanted my child! I wasn’t going to kill my child! If she had any kind of birth defect I was going to find out and get the best care for her! My pregnancy was stressful at best! My doctor raised my medication level up despite the risks. It was a very high risk pregnancy, but I had a healthy 6lb little girl! Or so I thought? I took her to her first checkup to find out that she was showing physical signs of down syndrome. Hearing words and phrases from various doctors like Simean crease and almond shaped eyes got all too familiar. Every doctor would look at all these things and ask me “Is there anything you’re concerned about with your daughter?” None would ask me directly about down syndrome! I don’t know if I was scared of the outcome or what exactly, but after doing the blood test she tested negative for Trisomy 21 also known as Down Syndrome.
Did having a healthy daughter make me believe in God? No! The only person fueling my jet is myself! For the human race it’s nice having something to believe in, the whole idea that we are not alone, but to think that the red text in the Holy Bible is really the words of Jesus Christ or that in some distant place in time that man existed! Well in my opinion is ridiculous! A great fictitious story, yes! The best selling book of all time, yes! I believe this is the age of cynics! The age of seeking out truth before believing fallacy and fairy tale. A generation ago it was a lot easier to hand a Holy Bible to someone and “sell” it! Though we do see it today more than ever! Joel Osteen, Peter Popoff selling oil and calling it holy! The main reason I choose not to be religious is the hate religion brings to the world. It’s hard to imagine a world with no religion, almost as hard as it is to imagine one with no pain! Ironic isn’t it, that what people seek out of their love for God, would be so easily gained if we eradicated him completely!