Can Parenting Styles Ruin Your Marriage?

I’ve been around the block when it comes to parenting. I was a co-parent with my husband of twenty-plus years to two daughters. I am currently step-parenting four teenagers. I have been a single parent to a teenage girl (my youngest from the first marriage). Finally, during my first marriage, my eldest child was being step-parented by my husband. If it has to do with parenting, I’ve probably done it. This includes, unfortunately, learning the truth about co-parenting and what it can do to a relationship.

If two people have the same goals, same dreams, same philosophy on everything from spirituality and religion to politics, one would think they would have the same views on parenting. I have found-from personal experience-that this is most decidedly not the case.

Co-parenting biological children

When I was married, I had two daughters with my husband. Most of the time, we agreed on how to parent them. Bedtimes weren’t an issue. Mealtime and playtime weren’t an issue. I felt like a single parent when it came to issues like school conferences, doctor’s appointments and other “mother” jobs. I worked full-time throughout the majority of our marriage, yet I was still responsible for the bulk of the “job” parenting.

Later in the marriage, I found myself in unfamiliar territory with a daughter who had developed an addiction to drugs. She was running away, in trouble with the authorities, and was in serious jeopardy. My idea of helping her included nailing her windows shut, placing alarms on the front and back door, and placing a lock on the outside of her bedroom door. At one point, I wanted to move her into our room and tether her to me at night so she could no sneak out and harm herself or others.

This was met with a resounding, “NO!” from her father. He had his own ideas on how to handle the situation and I was relegated to doing as I was told.

Did this harm our relationship? Absolutely. After about year of stress that I had been forced to endure, I left her father. A few months later, when our daughter’s behavior had continued to careen out of control, I reported her illegal activities to the police. She was arrested and is now a healthy, clean and sober woman in her twenties with a beautiful husband and newborn baby. Tethering her (in a jail) had saved her life.

What I learned

Standing up for oneself as a parent of a child I gave birth to is a right, not just a privilege. If we fail to exercise our rights, we lose them.

Co-parenting step-children

Step-parenting takes dedication and a true understanding of love, relationships and parental dynamics. When I got married, I had a 2 year old son. My ex-husband expressed that he loved my son and wanted to be his father. Over the years, however, he became lost and began to resent my son. I failed to stand up for my son and gave over far too much disciplinary power to a man who was not his father. I mentioned earlier that we co-parented our daughters, for the majority of the time, without issue. However, my ex-husband treated my son differently. I chose to believe him when he said the difference was that “he was raising a man”.

What I learned

Standing up for my kids didn’t make me a bad wife. It made me a better mother, of course, but there are better ways I could have handled the situation. Communication between you and your partner is essential before the children arrive. Consider every option, even the bad ones, before you commit your life to someone you wouldn’t want to co-parent your children.

A marriage is a partnership between two people, and this includes parenting if the children belong to both of you. However, step-parenting can bring in an entirely new dimension.

The other side of step-parenting

These days, I am primarily a step-parent. My children are all grown adults in varying stages of making their lives come together. My partner is a great mom. She knows her children incredibly well, emotionally, spiritually and as a parent. She is also a friend to her children. This is where we have an issue. I wasn’t “friends” with my children until they were old enough to care for themselves. Does that make me right and my partner wrong?

No. It makes us different. And here is where I differ from my ex-husband.

I respect my partner’s ability to parent her children as she sees fit. I may not agree with everything she does, but that doesn’t matter. In order for our relationship to survive the terrible ‘tweens and the chaotic teens, one of us has to take the lead. In this case, since she has been parenting these children since birth, the lead is hers.

This is why we will whether the relationship trials that will come our way concerning the kids. Unlike my ex-husband, I can accept the fact that just because I did not have any genetic responsibility for bringing these great kids into the world, that doesn’t make me less of their mother. But it does mean that if I love my partner, I will help her parent-her way.

More from this contributor:

3 Warning Signs You Should Call Child Services

Does marriage really mean forever?

Does a Parent Need Alone Time Away from the Kids?


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