I feel like it’s time to tell you all a little about what I’ve learned throughout the distance and deployment… Over the past two years, I’ve learned so much (sometimes too much) about being alone, the military, and how to get through the hard parts of military life.
I’ll share with you a few things I’ve learned and tell you what I know from all this:
I’ve learned what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep from loneliness, I’ve known what it felt like when he left for deployment, I know the anticipation of waiting for his homecoming dates, I understand the hollowness that seems to exist within while they’re gone. I’ve come to understand that we don’t measure time in minutes, or days, or weeks… We measure it from the last time we saw them to the next time we’ll be reunited with them. (example: “I last saw him in September, so the next time I’ll see him is next spring.”) I’ve taught myself how to be patient in frustrating situations with the military, how to act like things aren’t bothering me (when, really, all I want to do is rip my hair out and cry), how to be strong for me, and how to be strong for him. I understand the feeling you get when you climb into the shower and weep, because that’s the only place that no one can hear your cries. I’ve thrown things across the room out of anger and soaked my pillows from sadness. I’ve told my husband that I hate the military, but I’ve also told him I love him more. I’ve stayed strong when no one thought I could, and I’ve fallen apart when the hard parts were over.
You see, things change when you’re involved with a military man…
1). Time means everything and nothing to you: no amount of time is ever long enough or short enough. All deployments are too long and all the “in between” periods (and R&R) are always too short. You begin to look at the clock the same way you looked at the girl you hated in high school… Wishing with everything that you have that it’s face would just break into a million smithereens, leaving you alone and at peace.
2). You will learn how to be independent, and that’s not always a bad thing: you’ll find yourself being able to handle things around the house better. You’ll find yourself becoming familiar with the toolbox and the “heavy lifting”. You’ll figure out how to unclog a drain and how to rewire the entertainment center. You’ll learn the difference between a fuel injector and a carburetor, and you’ll learn how to take your car in for inspections when the light goes on. You’ll also learn that it’s not about being so independent that you don’t need them, it’s about being independent enough to take care of yourself while he’s away. Plus, it’s a different kind of independent. Sure, you’re able to pay your own bills and run the house without him, but you’re not able to hug yourself and you can’t give yourself backrubs. So, you know that when he comes home, you’re still going to need those things from him, even though your capable of being alone. What you learn is that you’re able to take care of yourself without him when he leaves, and that you’ll be fine when he’s gone.
3). Things might change between you: it’s not always good but it’s not always bad either. Be aware that change happens and prepare for it – remind yourself to relax, to breathe, to understand, to assess the situation. Trying to control your relationship from thousands of miles away is like trying to run underwater: you look stupid and it’s nearly impossible. Enjoy the ride, take the bumps in stride, and adjust when things look bleak. You’ll appreciate it so much more when you’re done.
4). Remember that it’s not always glitter, butterflies, and “Dear John” quotes: you’ll have days where you seriously question yourself about why you stick around. You’ll wonder why you put up with so much when you receive so little in return. You’ll question everything, everyone, everywhere, every time, without fail, and then you’ll feel like an idiot that you did. You’ll have nights that never seem to end and days that fly by – you’ll find yourself sad, nostalgic, miserable, happy, angsty, frustrated. Anything you can feel, you will feel. You’re not always going to get along with each other and you’re going to have fights. Just remember that this stress is temporary. Don’t go around acting like you’re entitled to moan all the time (because you’re not), and honestly, no one wants to hear constant complaining… Plus, we’re in the same boat as you. Give yourself a night of moping, then get up the next morning fresh, with a clean slate. Your relationship will be tested, but your relationship will end up being better than anything out of a movie or book.
5). Have a life outside of them: making someone your whole world seems like a great idea in theory, but realistically it’s not a smart idea. When you find yourself wondering what you’re going to do while he’s gone, remember all the things you did before you were with him. Learn a new language, take a cooking class, get a job, teach yourself how to ride a unicycle – anything that you can do to pass the time and keep yourself busy is the best thing for you. If that means focusing all your energy on your schoolwork or your children or your job, then do it! The worst thing you could do is put your life aside for his; you will end up regretting the things you didn’t do and resenting him in the long run. I can also guarantee you, they do not want to be someone that someone else needs. They want to be wanted, instead. My husband always used to tell me, “I don’t want you to need me. I want you to want me. I want to know that when I’m gone, you’ll be alright, that you won’t need me to be there with you.” They want to know that you will be alright without them, which means creating a life outside of them, too.
Being with someone in the military is never easy and it’s certainly not a desirable lifestyle, but it’s always worth it. The months spent apart are made up by that first kiss at the airport… Learning how to be alone with yourself is an art, one perfected by the thousands of military spouses that have gone before us. We learn how to be strong without our other half, how to keep ourselves together in times of hardship, and how to push through to the finish line; it’s important that we never forget the lessons we learn through this journey of love. After all, “love is an ocean wide” – it spans the states, the seas, and the universe. You are the carrier of that love, you are solely responsible for it, and how it affects your half of your relationship. Stay strong, love deeply, and keep fighting.
After all, how hard could it possibly be?