5 Ways to Have a Family Dinner Without a Family Feud

The Holidays are often thought to be a time out of a Norman Rockwell painting. At least, that is what we all envision the holiday season to be. We can see the family gathered around the table, everyone having a good time with mom and dad standing behind the turkey, ready to feed the family.

Unfortunately, most holiday dinner scenes mimic those in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” instead of Rockwell paintings as an inevitable argument usually breaks out when a bunch of people who are forced together by family ties or some other twist of fate have to sit down and break bread together. In my family, a holiday gathering usually inspired some lively debate and often ended with someone not speaking to someone else over some slight, real or imagined. You start out with a family dinner that turns into a family feud.

So how do you have a Rockwell Christmas instead of an Osbourne Christmas? Easy, just follow these 5 tips on how to have a family dinner without having a family feud so that everyone has a good time, nothing gets broken and everyone is still on speaking terms in the morning:

1. Limit the amount of alcohol served. Try not to get your guests loaded before dinner so they don’t start shooting off their mouths. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions and makes people say the things that are on their mind that are usually better off locked away. Yes, the truth is in the wine but on Thanksgiving, to paraphrase Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, “you don’t want to have to handle the truth!” You just want to get through the meal unscathed.

2. Serve the dinner buffet style. The more people are getting up to refill their plates, the less time they will be spending accusing Uncle Fred of hogging the mashed potatoes or Grandpa for not passing the rolls. More plate filling, more eating, less talking.

3. Clear up quickly. Get that table cleaned as soon as dinner is over before people have time to start arguing over the football game or the fact that Aunt Mary won’t quit smoking or cousin Bob has yet to return the lawnmower he borrowed last Spring. Little things add up to big debates that can get heated so get the table cleared and soothe the savage beasts with plenty of helpings of pumpkin and apple pie.

4. Plan the meal around the football game that everyone wants to watch. Sure, you can have the TV on during dinner – although my mother would take issue with this, it does distract people from arguing over politics, religion or anything else that is bound to start a family feud. Welcome them in and entertain during the first half, have dinner during half time, dessert during the second half and get them the heck out of there when the game is over.

5. Use a distraction. When all else fails and despite your best efforts someone insists on starting some sort of argument that you know will cause a scene, head them off at the pass and create a scene of your own by dropping something like an old glass or something you no longer care about. This is a good way to get rid of that horrid knick knack that Aunt Ida gave you (provided she’s not at the dinner) while at the same time distracting everyone with the sound of shattering glass. Be sure to do this in a place where there is no food or children and use a wet paper towel to pull up the glass. Also make certain that you show appropriate remorse for the loss of the item as you do not want people leaving the party saying “did you see that? She broke Aunt Ida’s Unicorn Statue and didn’t even care.”

It can be done. No matter how contentious your family is, no matter how much they love to argue and regardless of the clever tactics of the family instigator (the one every family has who likes to start drama) you can have a holiday gathering where people actually finish their meals and go home without incident. You just have to follow the 5 tips on how to have a family dinner without having a family feud.


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