Friends and family are extremely important to victims of abuse. More often than not, the presence and support of friends and family members are what helps a person leave the unhealthy relationship that they are in and rebuild his or her life. As an expert trained in bystander intervention, here are five tips to being a good friend to someone who is in an abusive relationship
1. Never tell the victim what to do
Throughout the course of an abusive relationship, the abuser will most certainly exert as much control as possible on to the victim. Who he or she can or cannot talk to, where he or she can go, what he or she can do etc. are all things dictated to the victim. From an outside point of view, you may think you see the best way for your loved one in trouble to get out. Though you mean well, it is important that you never try and tell your friend what to do. Despite good intentions, doing so only mimics the behavior that the person is already experiencing and trying to get away from.
Instead provide resources, options and support but ultimately let the person come to their own conclusions about the actions they will take in regards to their situation. It will be difficult for you to stand by and let things happen but in actuality you are providing a safe place for your friend making them feel more comfortable confiding in you.
2. Control your own feelings anger or frustration about the situation
As you learned in tip one, watching things play out can be very difficult. You may even question why nothing you are doing is getting through to the person or how anyone could wind up in a situation like this to begin with. It is normal to feel and think these things but you must not let these feelings get in the way of your mission which is to help. Chances are your friend is already in a world of pain and feeling embarrassed about their situation. Unleashing your feelings can push your friend further away from you and closer to their abuser.
3. Educate your self
It is almost impossible to help someone if you are not educated yourself. Learning the warning signs and red flags of an abusive relationship can make a huge difference. Knowing how and when to intervene are also important things to learn because you want to know how to help your friend in the safest way possible. Eventually, you may run into things that are totally out of your hands. This is when knowledge of resources and outlets becomes extremely valuable. The better you arm yourself with information, the better chance you have in helping your friend.
4. Listen
This may seem like a no brainer but I want you to really practice this one. So many times, even in our daily interactions, we think that we are listening but we are not. I cannot stress how important it is to listen and to really hear your friend when they are confiding in you. Listening means you are not imposing your own thoughts or opinions on the situation, instead you are taking in anything and everything your friend is saying. Your friend needs this support and really understanding the information they are giving to you can help you lead your friend to the right resources.
5. Remain loyal
In situations of abuse, it may be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may feel as though nothing you are doing is helping or like the situation is not at all getting better. All that is going on may make you feel like it is a lost cause. When you hit this wall don’t give up. Do not walk away from your friend because this is the time that they need you the most. An abuser is able to control by isolating their partner from friends and family. You throwing in the towel only strengthens the isolation which can escalate an already terrible situation.
Helping a friend escape an abusive situation can be stressful and hard to deal with. I hope that these tips help you lead your friend one step closer to freedom from their situation.