3 Reasons Not to Confront Cheaters

People in relationships cheat. Divorce lawyers know it. University studies evaluate it. Therapists devote entire books to healing relationships that suffer it. At some point in your life you may discover infidelity either by a friend or that friend’s relationship partner. Should you confront them about it? Here are three reasons why the answer should be “heck no”.

Shooting the messenger
When someone cheats there are negative emotions all around. Cheaters will feel guilt, shame, and anger towards anyone who might reveal their activities. The people cheated upon will feel wounded, angry and betrayed. Whether you are telling cheaters they have been discovered or you are telling people their partners betrayed them, they’ll connect you to their negative emotions. Shooting the messenger isn’t just a bit of clever speech, it’s a truism. You may lose the friendship of both people in the couple that has the fidelity problem.

There may be nothing wrong
Relationships based on polyamory (the idea that people can maintain simultaneous open and loving romantic relationships) are becoming more common. Some couples have sexually open relationships or may have other non-monogamous relationship structures. In those cases there may be no harm done through involvement with multiple partners. People in such relationships may not share their choices with acquaintances because their lifestyle may be perceived as unusual. Confronting people about private issues of their intimate lives may be invasive.

There could be consequences
Revelations of adultery can come as quite a shock. The person being cheated on may have impulse control issues or a temper, and may lash out in violence against a cheater. The person may have religious convictions that specify punitive action against adulterers. Crimes of passion account for a large number of homicides, according to John O’Hair, District Attorney in Detroit, Michigan, in a New York Times article. Whatever good intentions you may have in bringing adultery to someone’s attention would seem cold comfort indeed if the result included murder.

Your best bet
Other people’s relationships are their own concern. There may be circumstances providing exceptions to the rule but your best bet is to avoid confrontation. You could look nosy, lose friends, or see violence occur as the result of sharing such painful information. If you must confront someone consider doing so with the help of an expert like a relationship counselor. Be prepared to support your friends during the recovery period if their relationship should fail and direct them to seek qualified therapists.

Also written by Andrew
5 Great Date Night Movies
5 Easy Date Night Meals for Guys
Funny Ways Men and Women Miscommunicate

Sources
ADULTERY and DIVORCE, divorce-lawyer-source.com

The PAIR Project, About Problem Behaviours, University of Texas

Raymond Bonner and Ford Fessenden, States With No Death Penalty Show Lower Homicide Rates, The New York Times quoted on TruthInJustice.org

Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD. and Ruth Winter, Adultery: The Forgivable Sin: Healing the Inherited Patterns of Betrayal in Your Family, Amazon.com

Catherine Nixey, Love and Polyamory, MoreIntelligentLife.com


People also view

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *