I feel like starting a support group for Single Ladies. It would sound something like this: “Hi, I’m Mandi. I’m 23, and single. Again.” Then of course, there is a big possibility that I would break down crying in the most unattractive way ever with my mascara running down my face in such a way that I look like a Swamp Person, eyes bloodshot, snot running out of my nose, shoulders heaving and ultimitly shuddering and bowing over my knees. All the other ladies there would be single, too, so there would be no need to try to cover my face in shame; they’ve all been there, too, and know the routine. One would grab my hand and hold it while another, probably a mom, would get out of her metal folding chair and stand behind me and rub my back.
The group would tell me that the best way to “deal” with it would be to talk about it. But where do I start? Should I tell them it starts with not actually being totally “single” in the past year and a half? That the first guy I was ever serious with woke up one day and decided it was over? That the second guy I was ever serious with, and also my longest relationship, called me up one night after work and managed to break up with me on the phone, telling me it was over between telling me he bought an ipad and what he was getting for dinner, only then added insult to injury by saying that I wasn’t worth waiting for while I finished college? (Which, mind you, was three months.)
Or, maybe, I should just tell them that it always seems to go really well, and it’s the man who gets more attached to me first, and once I finally start to open up and start feeling the same way, he has somehow changed his mind/heart on his feelings and takes them all back, tells me I’m a really cool person and still wants to be friends? That it’s not you, it’s just bad timing/I’m not ready for a relationship/my psychic consultant told me now isn’t the time for this.
The thing about breaking up, or being over, or not seeing each other anymore is that it just isn’t “over.” First, you have to go through your stuff and weed out his crap from yours: find the clothes he left over from the first time he spent the night, and every time after that he spent the night, the books and magazines he left behind and put in with yours because he knew it’d still be there when he came back over, the mix CD’s he made for you.
Maybe I should tell them how now you have to go through your phone and remove him from your “favorites” list and read all the texts he sent one last time and realize he isn’t a bad person at all, it just isn’t meant to be, whatever that means. It kills you, but you press the erase button on all his texts, only to remember you locked the texts he send telling you how absolutely amazing you are and how he loves everything about you and how he hasn’t been this happy with anyone is such a long time. Maybe I should tell them with my first serious boyfriend I didn’t delete the locked texts from him for over two months, and it took me over three months to delete every last picture my most serious boyfriend sent me.
Then, there’s the entire facebook thing. Now that we’re broken up/not together/seeing other people/whatever…. do we stay facebook friends? Am I allowed to still comment on things since we have the same sense of humor? How many times is too many in a day to creep on his facebook page and see what’s up with him, if everything is okay, since we obviously aren’t talking anymore? After a couple of weeks of intense sadness and too many bottles of wine, am I allowed to facebook message him and tell him I miss him and want to talk to him again because not having him in my life is so much worse than I could have imagined? Am I allowed to read and reread all the facebook “love letters” he wrote out of pure admiration and love? Or, am I supposed to delete them never to be reminded of those nice feelings again just like deleting the texts? Because really, it’s nice to know that at one point in time we shared something special, and had those great feelings, and the way he made you feel was incomparable to anything else and the only way I would be able to describe it would just be that it felt so right.
Maybe I should just tell them everything, but I won’t. I won’t drink that bottle of wine again, or get drunk trying to forget. Why not just take some of these things for what they were: really good times that I wouldn’t change for anything. Well, except the ending, maybe. My aunt always tells me after I cry to her about breaking up, “If it felt this good with one person, imagine how much better it will feel with the right person.” And that, my dear readers, is my realization for today. Sure, what I had with these guys was great, but it gets so much better each time. My last “thing” ended on a really good note and I don’t have any negative feelings towards him or anything. Just knowing that it was good is enough for me. Besides, it’s summer and I’m single. What more can a girl ask for?