When preparing a couple for marriage, I always recommend a range of vows from my church’s service book. It may seem odd, but I think my experience with pre-written vows makes my insights relevant for those couples who wish to write their own marriage vows.
Wedding vows written by the couple can be creative, meaningful, and beautiful expressions of love and commitment. However, there are pitfalls. Here are my thoughts on what to do and avoid:
Especially when marrying within a religious tradition, check with your officiant before doing anything. He or she can help you write vows appropriate for the religious context. If your church doesn’t permit you to write your own vows, don’t despair. You might write something personal for the wedding invitation, or address each other at the wedding reception.
Your shared feelings and experiences brought you to marriage, but with your vows you promise what you will do and who you will be for your spouse. Make sure three parts are included:
1. A declaration of taking (or receiving) the other as husband or wife. You are accepting the gift and responsibility of marriage to this particular person. A statement of thankfulness for the other can be appropriate here, but don’t get too schmaltzy.
2. Pledges of faithfulness. This is where you can be as creative and specific as you wish in stating how you will be faithful to your spouse. You might promise to grow in understanding and loving the other, to support the other emotionally and financially. Promise your respect for and exclusive commitment to the other. If you want to be or are parents, you can speak about that. If you share religious faith, use Scripture, and promise to pray for the other and support the other’s faith. If your spouse has a calling, you can promise to support that calling. Include a promise of support in bad and good times.
3. The traditional language “till death do us part,” is not necessary, but the lifelong character of the marriage vow should be spoken aloud.
Your witnesses, guests, and family members can take vows, too. You or the officiant can ask them for their support, love and prayers, and if appropriate, they can make a declaration to that effect: “We will.” This honors your guests, making them more than spectators. They are also part of the promising community.
It might be tempting to keep your wedding vows a secret until the ceremony. Don’t. One person might speak for five minutes, and the other fifteen seconds. A statement taken the wrong way could ruin the wedding. Personal details you thought were appropriate to share, but your spouse didn’t, could be embarrassing. Share whatever you are going to say to each other with each other and with the officiant well before the ceremony. No surprises.
Unless you’re absolutely sure you’ve got it down, don’t try to memorize the vows. And above all, don’t go up there with the intention of saying whatever comes to you at the time, unless you want your disaster wedding to go viral on YouTube.
Finally, your vows will reflect your personality. But they should always be reverent towards the other, towards the guests, and in a religious ceremony, towards God. Joke around with each other at the reception and on the honeymoon. Express your deepest intentions as you give yourself to your spouse in marriage. She or he deserves no less.