How to Share Your Misery at Work

It’s One Of Those Days. You got up on the wrong side of bed today. The alarm clock went off early. The hot water ran out before you were done with your shower. The coffee shop got your order wrong and you didn’t notice till you were almost at work. You’re off to a lousy start. And you know what? Misery loves company, and you plan to share the love at work today to make sure everyone else is on board with your rotten day. To really pull it off you need a plan.

Step 1: Cause an office uprising.

Everyone has co-workers from both ends of the political spectrum. While conversing with your conservative colleague let it drop that you heard there will be a tax hike to help with the national debt. Then make sure your liberal co-worker hears that there might be a tax break for the rich. Stand back and watch the fur fly while they lose their minds. This is particularly effective if you can get both of your political puppets in an enclosed space with each other while they vent. It’s like having your own personal gladiatorial games to watch.

Step 2: Poke at people’s pet peeves.

If you have a colleague that acts like the Fashion Police, pop your collar. Wear horizontal and vertical stripes with a plaid jacket. Use clashing colors. Wear hiking boots with a business suit. If someone is a grammar fiend make sure to use horrible syntax when speaking with him. Make up words. Try phrases he “He gonna git his-self a new car.” Whatever pet peeves people have, stoke the fires by setting off their triggers. That’ll raise the temperature around the office a few degrees. Nothing tells your co-workers that you’ve been paying attention to them like knowing their weaknesses.

Step 3: Play grating music on your CD player.

Burn a CD with one song on it. Pop it in the CD and set it to replay endlessly. “Yellow Submarine” works extremely well here. Use a flat head screwdriver to remove any buttons that could turn the device off and super-glue the battery compartment shut. Watch with glee while the entire office starts humming the song against their will because they cannot get the tune out of their heads. If you’re feeling really rotten substitute your favorite vuvuzela track instead of other music. Think of it as expanding their cultural horizons.

Step 4: Refuse to control the volume of your voice.

If you normally speak in soft tones, become a booming thunderclap of conversational sound. If you are normally an emphatic speaker then begin speaking so softly that people must strain to hear you. Better yet, fluctuate between the two. People will be leaning in to hear you when your voice is at a whisper only to be blown back by the volume of your louder voice. When people comment pretend you have no idea what they are talking about. Ask them to stop yelling as if they are the ones with volume control problems. Everyone loves a good bit of performance art.

Step 5: Over share. Really, really over share.

Interrupt important conversations by interjecting extremely personal anecdotes. If your life does not provide anything suitably shocking then invent some stories. Truth rarely makes for the best stories anyway. Be sure to do this loudly so that your voice carries across the office. Share personal details about other employees. A particularly effective time to do this is near an employee currently on the telephone. Make sure the party on the other end of the call gets an earful. Colleagues and customers love hearing the latest gossip.

Step 5: Use company assets inappropriately.

Speaking of phones, do you have any friends or family you haven’t spoken with lately? Get in touch on the company dime. It’s so cost effective you may want to call several people. Be sure to complain loudly and at length about your workplace, colleagues and managers while on the phone. Company computers are also a great source of free entertainment. Send chain letters with pictures of fluffy kittens. Send the same one again to be sure everyone got a copy. Better yet send a third round of the same picture. They say the third time is the charm.

Step 6: Play several practical jokes.

Tape the rollers on office computer mice in place so they won’t work. Use tape to hold down the hooks on their phones so that when people lift the handset the phone does not answer. Take the staples out of staplers. Unplug computer keyboards. Anything that causes workday confusion is good. Everyone loves a good joke – as long as it’s not on them.

Step 7: Violate personal space.

Get close to your co-workers. Get really close. If they are not cringing you are too far away. Measure the distance between you and others in inches rather than feet. Ideal distances are close enough that they can tell how you take your coffee by the smell of your breath. While in close proximity make sure to speak extra loudly and gesture wildly with your hands. If anyone complains remind them about the company mandate for powerful inter-office communication. They’re sure to appreciate how well you follow company directives. You get bonus points if you can do all this while wiggling your ears, wiggling your nose, or waggling your eyebrows.

The truth:

If you have a bad morning, do everything in your power to leave your troubles outside the office. While sharing your misery may be emotionally gratifying in the short term it has long term consequences like unemployment. Always maintain good office decorum and manners. By the end of the day you may have a fresh perspective on the troubles that got you off to such a rocky start.


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