Below is a photo of my favorite truck. Why you ask is it a photo of the bottom of my truck upside down in a tree at the bottom of a ravine? Well, because what my truck looked like the last time I saw it. And, yes, my teenage son was in it at the time. And he’s fine. But how I handled this situation may help other parents facing this situation.
It doesn’t hit you right away when you first have children, that one day they are going to go out on their own. That one day they’ll be dating, driving cars, going to work, going out with friends, and having a life that doesn’t include you. Maybe it is a blessing that it takes them 18 years. It not only gives them time to learn how to be on their own, it gives parents time to learn to let them go. I don’t think anything is as nerve racking for parents than to have a teen driver. Most kids really don’t understand how dangerous it is to drive a car, and how quickly things can go bad. Parents do, that’s what is so nerve racking. But we love them and we need to let them go. So, as with everything else, we teach them as best we can and hope that our teachings have sunk in.
My son got his license about 5 months after his actual 16th birthday, we had a problem with timing and report cards. But by the time of his accident he’d been driving on his own for over a year. And he had been in the truck on countless thousands of miles of road trims and camping. As he got older I made a habit of pointing out what I was doing when I was driving in the hopes he was paying attention, he was. In California a minor can’t have any passengers who are not family members, which is a good thing. In the year he’s had his license he’s had to drive several family members on various occasions, all have reported that he is a good and safe driver.
The accident occurred on an unpaved state highway in the local mountains that leads to the youth camp where he has for the last four years held a job as a camp counselor. It’s been a great experience for him. We’ve driven back and forth on that road dozens of times in 11 years and he’s driven it several times by himself. When he was ready to come home he called to let us know he was starting on his way, that’s just the kind of kid he is. But then about a half hour later the phone rang again. I was working in the yard, my wife brought me the phone, holding it at arms length like it was a dirty diaper, and said that she didn’t want to talk to him because she was afraid it was bad news. Moms just don’t handle stuff like that very well. And it was bad news, but not as bad as it could have been.
Here I will cut the story short because it involves fire trucks, police, park rangers, helicopters, and watching my truck indignantly hauled up a ravine by a tow truck driver who didn’t know what he was doing. There’s nothing like driving to the scene of your teens car accident behind a fire truck while watching a helicopter circle overhead.
At this point in the story there are many of you parents who have chills running down your spine at the thought that this was or could be your teen. And many of you have probably not spent a lot of time thinking about how you will respond to your teens’ car accident. I was fortunate that I had spent time thinking about how I would respond, it came in handy when I got my phone call. Here are my top tips to parents:
1. Don’t Panic! This is not only the opening line of one of my favorite books, video games and movies, it is also sound advice. Your teen will be doing enough “freaking out” for both of you. They need you to be strong. This is the absolute worst time to come unglued. When my son called he was in sheer terror. Mostly he was afraid to have to make the call, the fact that he was able to make the call demonstrates his courage and composure. What they need most when they call is your strength and understanding. 2. Remember what’s important. The ONLY thing that is important is that they’re o.k., everything else is secondary. So long as they are o.k. and no one was injured then a car accident is nothing more than an inconvenience. When my son called he was terrified, “dad I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”. I didn’t care, I was waiting for his next words, “I’m o.k., I’m fine”. No one was hurt, including him. Nothing else mattered. 3. This is what insurance is for. This goes along with remembering what is important. You pay more for insurance when you have a teen driver, this is why. Keep your premiums up to date and make sure to get your teen a used car that is low cost and has plenty of air bags. It’s just a hunk of steel and it is replaceable. 4. Wait to Judge. Of course at some point you are going to have to talk to your teen about the accident. They could have been hurt, others could have been hurt, there was property damage and that costs money. But wait until you have all the facts. I had an experience several years ago where I rushed to judgment before I had all the facts and it actually made a bad situation worse. The police report showed that my son was not speeding, was driving safely, and that a tire blowout had caused him to lose control and the truck to run off the edge of a road where there were no guard rails. The road had been chewed up by fire trucks and bulldozers brought in the week before to fight a wild fire and other drivers had complained of sharp rocks being exposed in the roadway causing flat tires. The vehicles momentum caused the trucks tire to slip over the edge of the narrow road and extra load, higher center of gravity and inertia caused it to begin rolling almost before the brakes could even be applied. The investigation done by the insurance company declared him to have zero fault for the accident. 5. Know the difference between Knowledge and Experience. Teens do of course know everything, I certainly did when I was 16. Right? But we parents have lived a couple of lifetimes before our teens start driving. We have many years and thousands of miles under our belts. Teens don’t. They’re going to make mistakes, you have to accept this. An experienced driver likely could have averted this accident, but he wasn’t experienced. I had a few car accidents as a teen, several in fact. Hopefully we learn from our experiences. I learned from mine and he I know he has learned from his.
A week ago I saw a story about a driver who was rescued after having driven over a cliff in rural Los Angeles County after 6 days. He was severely injured in the crash when he lost control and went over an edge with no guard rail. When they pulled him out they found another car at the bottom of the same ravine with another driver in it who was not nearly as lucky. When I watched the video of the other cars being hauled up I had a flashback to that day in August standing at the edge of a mountain road watching my truck being dragged indignantly up the hill to the roadway. I realize that my son was lucky and that nothing else mattered other than him.