How to Be a Successful Part-Time Parent

Introduction:

I am writing this to share my story with you, and to help you deal with your situation successfully. I have been a part-time parent for 15 years, but a full-time father. I hope that through my experiences I can help you in yours. Since you are reading this book you are already on your way to becoming a successful part time parent. I want to take this time to thank my parents for their love and support through the years. I also want to thank my friends for their encouragement. When I use the term part time parent I want everyone to know that no matter what your situation is if you are a dad or a mom you are really a full-time parent. But to the non custodial parents it is not the same. The time with our child is limited, but that does not take away our value as a dad or a mom. Together we will go on a journey. It might not be easy, but together we can make it. The reason I am writing this book is because there are many self help books for parenting with kids living at home, but what about the parent who does not have the children living at home?. Sometimes the challenges are greater. I also am writing this for the soldier that is deployed with kids at home. Some soldier’s are deploying 2 or 3 times and they miss a lot of time with their kids. The chapters in this book will not be long, but short. It is my intent to help you look at things differently and to help you through this. Too much information at one time is not always good and sometimes hard to process. Are you ready? Here we go.

Chapter 1: Is this really happening to me?

The hardest part for me was to accept this was really happening to me. My son was only 3 months old when my marriage fell apart. I was just trying to adjust to being a dad when this happened. I was in the army at Fort Sam Houston when my son was born. It was a difficult time to be a newlywed, and a new father. Since this book it not about my marriage I will not go into all that. But when my wife left with our son this was a challenge. I do not know your situation, but I do believe that just accepting what is happening is very difficult. For some of you the pain of what has happened is still very strong. Others of you have dealt with this for quit some time. No matter what your situation is you are not alone. I only have one son, and for those of you who have more than one child you have to understand that each child will deal with it differently. Not only does the parent have to deal with their current situation but so do the children. If there is more than one child involved the challenges are even greater. But no matter the situation once we accept it we are ready to move on to the next step.

Chapter 2: What do I do now?

This is always difficult. I will tell you what I did and then we will go from there. The first thing I did was get with my friend Stan. I worked with him, but he was also a great friend. We would meet every morning and he would pray for me. His friendship helped me get through some very difficult days. If your situation is new I would challenge you to find that friend that you can trust and rely on. That friendship will get you through some hard times. Believe me there are hard times ahead. To those of you that have dealt with this for a while if you have not found that good friend I would suggest you take time to do that. To my military friends your fellow soldiers in your platoon and your unit will become your home away from home. Lean on them while you are away.

Chapter 3: I really miss my child.

This was the hardest thing for me. I did not do well when this first happened. Because of the circumstances I did not see my son but 4 hours a week until I got legal visitation. This was a very hard time for me. Whatever your situation is with your child or children I understand that when you are not with your child you miss them very much. This is normal and healthy. My soldier friends that are deployed thousands of miles away know what I am saying. One thing I did to was to fill my time with not only work, but I volunteered. This was good therapy for me. Don’t feel sorry for yourself when your child is not home with you, but use that time to do something that is productive. Do house repairs or go bowling with your buddies. But missing your child when you are not with him/her is normal.

Chapter 4: I don’t want to come over anymore.

I hope and pray you don’t hear these words from your child. This was very hard on me. My son was 14 and on the weekend after Thanksgiving he tells me this. My brother and his son were down visiting, and we were having another Thanksgiving dinner for my brother and his son at my girlfriend’s house. This was very hard for me to process all this at this time. After we had some time alone we talked and what I did was basically give in. After 14 years of going back and forth from house to house I felt maybe my son needed a break. However, that was almost 2 years ago, and he has only stayed with me 4 nights since. My suggestion is if your child says this to not do as I did. Maybe this is a time for talking with your child, but do not give up your visitation. But you need to understand that this is also a hard time for your child and they need to be able to be able to share how they feel.

Chapter 5: The teen years.

This could be a book in itself. In fact what I am going to suggest is that you read a lot of books during this time. If you think you have limited time now just wait. This will be a time where you become taxi driver as well. This is a time to listen to your child, and be there for them. It will be a challenging time for them. Don’t get discouraged, and take things personal. I am going to keep this chapter extra short, but I want to encourage you to be prepared for this time in your child’s life. Your child will need you during this time more now than ever.

Chapter 6: I Screwed up!

Saying “I am sorry” is not always easy. Especially if you have to say it to your child. But one thing you need to know is that your child does not want a perfect parent, but an honest parent. If we expect our kids to apologize then we need to set the example. As parents we will not always do or say the right thing, but we can be open and honest with our child. That is what they are wanting. What I try to do with my son is be a positive example for him. Don’t be too hard on yourself either. Being a parent is not easy. Being a part time parent is even more challenging. I look back and realize I made a lot of mistakes, but learn from those mistakes and move on.

Chapter 7: Will the pain ever go away?

I wish I could say it would. But to this day I go home and miss my son like crazy, and I have had 15 years to deal with it. My son is part of me and I miss him when he is not with me. Like a soldier who is far away from his family it is very hard and lonely at times. You too will go through this, but you are not alone. Together, we can make it.

Chapter 8: Never give in!

Winston Churchill was asked to speak at a graduating class. There were hundreds getting ready to graduate and begin their new careers. The student’s were sitting in anticipation as Mr. Churchill made his way to the podium. He took a deep breath, and then spoke the words “never give in”, and he turned around and went back to his chair. This is not a long book on purpose, but it will hopefully encourage you during this time. I want you to be the best parent for your child. I want you to believe in yourself.

Words of encouragement:

I want to take this time and challenge you to have fun even as a part time parent. Send your child cards on a regular basis. When you are with them plan out fun activities. Yes, this will not always be easy but it can be fun. With the help of your friends, your family, your church, etc. you will be able to go through this journey and you will be a vital part of your child’s life. Your child will know you love them, and that they can depend on your. My hope is that this book got you to thinking. To my friends serving their country far away from home you too can still play a vital part in your child’s life. Keep the communication lines open. Remember you’re not alone, and together we can be the best parents for our child. Until next time.

More about Kerry J. Miller:

Kerry is the proud parent of a 15-year-old son. The journey has been awesome, and I am so proud to call him my son. Kerry graduated from Missouri State University; he served in the military for 10 years, and continues to support those in the military. Kerry has written two songs to honor the soldier and their family. You can find Kerry on Facebook as Kerry Joe Miller.


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