“You’re so close!” To what I asked peering half dazed at the flickering of my ancient monitor. “To living a better life” he said coyly. The words better and life defined flashed in my head in sequence then quickly became pushed to the void of it. No life is better alone. No matter what you do with it. As a small girl I remember always playing by myself always having to share my toys with my siblings. But I always played by myself. I don’t remember why I was that way. I still am that way even at my humbling age of 23. I prefer being alone. And people look at you weird because of it.
So why would I prefer to be alone now? Well quite honestly it is a lot easier to sit down and do something on your own alone. Certain things you don’t need another person around for. Don’t get me wrong I love people I apparently have this very fun happy outgoing person, but only with small groups of people. In a very large group I tend to stick to the people I know. If I get lost in the crowd I almost freak out with a severe panic attack.
I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to write down today. It all started with a short conversation with my friend Austen Who I met on my last excursion to Dominion Hospital. Sometimes in my loneliness and depression I want to go back. I feel like technology has hindered my ability to cope with being alone. You can find anything you want or need on the web. Sex, porn, drugs, mail order brides, local restaurants, apartments, cars, pets! Your options are endless; at least until the power goes out then you’re screwed.
I cannot name a single time where I have not met a person other than through a computer. The only times I could say I haven’t was when I used to have to go to school or work. That seemed to be the only social interaction I was getting apart from planting myself infront of a computer. I mean all of my EXs I met ONLINE and we also dated offline. It’s no wonder kids as they get older want the better technological toys. It’s a race to get the bigger social network, technology and at what price?
I’d give anything to go back and time and slap myself. “SHEA! Don’t you DARE FUCK THIS UP!” I would have made a lot of different choices back then. But sadly we don’t have that technology. So I kind of just have to suck it up take my pills and hope I have a breakthrough in my life. Maybe it’ll go somewhere this time. Hopefully I can stop feeling this desperation.