Emotional Struggles of Adopted Children

Many adopted children struggle with feelings of rejections, although they may not tell their parents. Adolescence is especially confusing for adoptees.

Much has been written about the joys of adoption. It seems to be the ideal solution for not only the unwed mother, but also for childless couples who yearn for children. Adoption, although a positive experience, also has challenges. This is especially true regarding how many adopted children struggle emotionally with their adoptions.

Adoption and Feelings of Rejection

One of the biggest myths surrounding adoption is the theory that all adoptive parents have to do is love their children and all will be well. What adoptive parents often fail to understand is that regardless of how much they try to convey love to their adopted child, the adoptee can still struggle with feelings of rejection from having been given away.

Usually, adoptive parents think that by adopting an infant the child will escape rejection feelings because the adoptive parents are the only parents the child has ever known. This is simply not true for many children, although some adoptive children may not deal with these feelings or admit them.

When adopted children have only limited facts about their birth-parents, they can have self-esteem issues, feeling devalued as people. This can cause them to feel unclear about their status in the world.

Adoption Issues in Elementary School Years

It’s usually from ages 7 through 11 that adopted children start speculating about their birthparents, notes a Children Today article entitled, “I Carried You in My Heart”. At this age adoptees can form unclear, conflicting emotions and show competing loyalties about birth-parents. That’s why it’s important adoptive parents promote positive attitudes about birth-parents.

If a child is adopted in a closed adoption, usually basic information regarding physical traits and health of the birth-parents and other relatives is given. Unfortunately, just knowing these facts isn’t enough for many adopted children. These background sheets often don’t provide enough information to answer the many questions an adopted child may have.

Adoptive parents should be honest with their children. Rather than hiding information, parents need to share the background details they were given at the time of the adoption. They should also be honest, saying, “This is all the information I have, but if you want to search for your birth-parents when you’re older, I understand.”

Adolescence and Adoption

Adolescence is a complicated time period for most teens, but for adopted kids, it can be even more confusing. Because of abstract thinking, an adopted teen considers questions of “what might have been,” notes Families.com in the article “Raising an Adopted Child.” While non-adopted teens struggle with finding their identity, adopted adolescents have to form their identity twice: how they relate to their adoptive family and environmental factors shaping their lives.

It’s common for adoptees to daydream about their birth-parents, wondering what life would have been like if they had remained with their birth-parents and were not given up for adoption. At this stage of their lives, adoptees may need to have more information about their background, if that’s possible.

Just as adopted children can be insecure, their adoptive parents also feel threatened and insecure. However, to cover up their feelings and avoid talking about a child’s feelings of rejection does more harm than good.

Adoptive parents should not sugar-coat adoption by saying, “You are so lucky to have a home where your parents can give you those things that your birth-parents couldn’t give you.” Instead, they should say, “You must feel bad that you never met the woman who gave birth to you. I’m sure you want to know where you got your freckles and those beautiful big blue eyes.” This helps to connect with a child, making the child more willing to share feelings rather than stuff them. What’s more, adoptive parents can bond with their children by encouraging them to share their true feelings.
Originally published on Suite 101.


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