As a financial literacy educator, well over half of the demographics that we served were single, divorced or single parents. So the question that always came up is, “How do you date on a budget?”
It’s tough in this economy for anyone. But, for those who are dating, it can be even more challenging. Especially if you are a man. Should women benefit from it and take advantage of their generosity? That is a personal decision but I caution you. How you handle finances in your dating life, will certainly pour over into your marriage life.
I remember when my husband and I first started dating. We were both full time single parents and both worked a 9-5 job with a decent salary but we both also volunteered time in the community with our spare time. He was a football coach, I just ended my season of coaching cheerleading and I served in ministry and local non-profit organizations. Where we could have overworked for money, we chose to invest in our children and community. Dating while on a budget can be tricky. There are so many messages that encourage women to either take advantage or help pay.
When we first started dating, he always paid, because me paying would have affected his masculinity. Men are hunters, leaders and providers so when that is undermined, it can emasculate them which can create tension in a relationship. It may not come up at first, but we women tend to use it against men later by bringing up any time that we assumed the role of the man.
So how do you date on a budget without going broke or emasculating the one pursuing you?
• First, when we first started getting to know one another, we met at a coffee shop or sports grill where we ordered a mocha latte, tea or a small appetizer. As courtesy, I didn’t want him to waste too much money or time if we didn’t have a connection.
• I selected modestly. I chose restaurants that offered a wide variety of meals yet they were trendy and cost effective.
• I ordered modestly. I always ordered water over soda or a cocktail, skipped appetizers and desserts and I stayed away from the high priced meals such as lobster, steak and seafood.
• I also attempted to meet him for lunch so we could choose meals that were still on the lunch hour. This cut our bill in half and although he never said a word, I knew that he appreciated the gesture.
• Lastly, I always insisted on leaving the tip. This is a way that you can contribute without insulting your date. If he insisted on leaving the tip, I obliged, but I told him that my beliefs were that if someone treats you, whether it be a friend, business associate or date, you should always leave the tip.
The last thing you want, is a potential spouse pulling out his credit card racking up debt that will become your debt if you evolve in marriage.
As we evolved from dating to an exclusive relationship, I thought of free and/or cost effective activities and ways I could contribute without emasculating him. In fact it actually made him feel like a man by being treated. I brought him home cooked meals and got excited when he raved about how great my cooking was. We would picnic at the park or have a bonfire on the back patio cuddling with a blanket listening to jazz music.
When we were married, I made sure that our wedding was cost effective because as a financial educator, I saw first-hand how entering a marriage with an enormous amount of debt will put a strain on the marriage. At that time, I had no idea that our first few months as newlyweds would bring us challenges and our budgeting skills would be tested.
Within eight weeks of our wedding, I lost my job and then my husband lost his job as well as totaled his car. This was all while in the midst of a new union, blending families and homes and me taking a leap of faith by investing thousands of dollars in publishing my book. He was in the Army for 12 yrs so as a man that leads and protects, it hit him pretty hard. Although I was upset over my own job, I made sure that every single day that he knew that I respected and admired him. I spoke life into him and prayed for a job for him more than myself because I knew how much providing and protecting meant to him as a man. He was offered a position within a month with better pay, better benefits and an office that was closer to home.
No matter how much the “Independent Women” agenda is pushed, men love to provide, protect and lead so finding ways to allow him to do that while also being mindful will work in your favor.
As for the men, it will work to your advantage to observe your date’s approach when ordering or choosing a place to dine.
Whether dating, in a relationship or married, the modest approach never fails. It is meeting in the middle without undermining or overstepping boundaries. Most of all, when you speak and pour life into situations, they manifest into physical form.