1. Excessive Talkers
On a recent 7am flight from Miami to Denver this is what I learned from the monotone speaking girl sitting behind me (who would not let the poor woman next to her get a single word in, or, more importantly-sleep!): She turned 27 last month; she had T-mobile but switched to AT&T for apparently 1,042 excellent reasons; a complete description of every single step she took walking through the airport last year when she had a broken leg; even though she’s Irish, she knows more Korean than Spanish; she lost her luggage once (she had the magic gift of turning this short boring story into an even more boring forty minute diatribe which included all the items she knew she should have carried on but didn’t); she’s sad about Steve Jobs dying even though she doesn’t like the iPhone, iPad, or iAnything; she lives in Missouri, her ex lives in Miami, and you don’t even want to know why he’s the “ex”…
At this point, the lady next to her was bleeding profusely from the ears and had to have her fingers pried off the emergency exit door by five burly men.
2. People Who Don’t Talk at All
Even if you have to ask: What time is it? Can you please move your tray up so I can get out? What was that weird noise?
3. Bin Hogs
Hey, you! Yes, we are talking to you! You get TWO carry-ons (one tiny suitcase and one personal item, i.e., a purse… not another suitcase). Got that? If your luggage doesn’t fit in the miniscule-sized bin, that kind of bites. But now you have to check your luggage… sorry. If you don’t, all the other people who took the time (like moi) to pack everything in a miniscule-sized bag now have to check our luggage because you took up all the space. And because of your hoggishness, there’s a good chance our miniscule-sized bags aren’t going to make it to the connecting flight.
4. People Who Play Personal Electronics too Loudly
Dear parent on our last flight,
We all truly appreciate that you are trying to keep your child entertained, and it’s pretty clear that your child loves Dora the Explorer; however, the others around you are in no mood for a berry hunt. Can we please buy your child a pair of earphones?
Thank you kindly,
Everyone sitting by you
5. Late, Frantic Arrivers
(The people who show up late at the security check then attempt to cut to the front of the line explaining to everyone behind them that their flight leaves in 5 minutes.)
That’s why we have watches, folks… not to mention, other flights- so, if you happen to sleep in, get caught in traffic, or are just chronically late, you’ll have another chance to get where you need to be gettin’.
6. Pilot Who Announces All the Cool Things that are Not on Your Side of the Plane
Unless there is an equally cool thing on my side, please just keep that announcement to yourself.
7. Unprepared Travelers
For the umpteenth time: You can’t carry liquids on unless they are 3.4 oz or smaller and fit in a quart-sized plastic bag-got it?! That means no water bottles, no Starbucks, no Gatorade, no bomb-making fuel, and no vodka. It bites that you just paid $11 for your latte, but you should have waited about 10 minutes ’til you got past security check.
If you decide you must carry on travel sized liquids, when you get to the security check please follow the signs that are placed every 5 feet that tell you to have them separated from your luggage. Take your shoes off immediately (even flip-flops), take your jacket off, remove all metal items (or try not to wear any in the first place), and place them all in a tray. Remove your laptop from its case and push all your bins through the scanner. Now… prepare to be seen completely naked by strangers. Don’t act shocked or indignant-we’re all being molested, not just you. It’s just the way it is.
8. Premature Standuppers
For those of you flyers that don’t go to church, weddings, or movie theaters, there is an order to things: the passengers nearest the doors get out first, then the passengers sitting behind them, then those behind them, then you. Please just wait your turn.
9. Crying Babies
Parents, please sedate your children accordingly. Okay, I’m joking… mostly. One of us is being mean here, and I’ll give you a hint-it’s not me. Babies, by nature, are not tolerant creatures… they hate long flights. Ask yourself if you enjoy flying. If you dislike it, magnify that by 420. First of all, it hurts their ears. Second, they feel the stress of the people around them, and it freaks them out. If at all possible, please have the grandparents come to you.
10. Rude People to Parents of Crying Babies
Do you really think parents enjoy taking their kids on airplanes? “Hmmm, what should we do with little Suzie this weekend- take her to the zoo… go to the park… visit Toys r Us? I know! Let’s take her on a five-hour plane ride. I sure do miss those peanuts.”
Have some compassion, all you crabby people. Sometimes parents just can’t get around travelling with young’ins. Try to imagine being that little baby. Her ears are probably hurting, and as little as she is, she can feel the stress her parents are under with your evil dagger-like stares.
… And finally, a note to the airline:
Passing First Class to Get to Coach
Dear Airline,
If you really want us to be satisfied with our 2-inches of leg-room, our $8 chicken nugget, and half an armrest, why would you make us walk past a smug looking group of people sitting in recliners, drinking wine out of crystal glasses, being fed grapes, and getting facials?
Sincerely,
95% of your passengers
P.S. We want the fresh cookies, too!
Note: Despite shedding light on these offenders, they’re still going to be on your next flight. When you do come across them in the future, remember that intolerant people are annoying, too. So just put your earphones on, munch on the free pretzels, and try to enjoy your flight.