As I sit here, there are tears in my eyes as pain is beginning to come to clarity. For months I have been struggling to write my weekly Guts of the Matter articles and the words have not come. Or if they have, they are not about what is really going on with me. What is really going on? Change–that laughing bad boy–has had my heart and soul in his grasp and I’ve been gasping and fighting his pull. Damn it! Confusion and fear come with change. Different choices come with change. He laughs with delight as he drags us into places unknown and unasked for. But spit happens! And change calls us out of our comfort zone whether we like it or not.
How funny. I thought it was my writing style that had changed. Not! It is me. It is this woman that I am that has grown and moved on. So, the writing has lagged because I am trying to play “catch up” with the morphing and moving of me. “F it!” doesn’t begin to describe how this feels. I sit here now and know that I’m being pushed and shoved to become more, to embrace the changes that life is calling me to.
My writing is the echo of my soul calling to the world. My words are my heart’s language as it strives to embrace the wonder of life. So, as I have flung wide my heart and agreed to be brave–to take the hits that must come–how can I think that my words would remain the same? How did I not see that the courage of me being me would cause changes in my writing? I am gutsier and more raw. How can my words then not follow suit.
Moving into change and taking the hit full on is a painful and a very scary deal. We resist, we persist, we so want things to be same-old and comfortable like our favorite slippers or ratty T-shirt. But life is all about change. It is the one constant. It also can be rather sneaky. We don’t see what it will actually demand of us. But once we see? Once we have the clarity that change is on us, we can embrace it. We cannot turn it back.
So, I sit here now with tears dried and a smile gracing my lips. The lady that I was just a few months ago is gone. She has changed. And this is as it should be. I simply did not see it. There is peace. The confusion is gone. Change, that laughing bad boy, has come and I have suffered because I did not see him clearly. Now, that I do? Let me welcome him and move with courage to grab his hand and walk into the next days of my life with him.
I ask you to open your eyes and your heart. Be on the lookout for change. The laughing bad boy brings wonderful stuff to our lives.
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