My husband was diagnosed with cancer this past week. Unbelievably that was not the only significant thing that went wrong over the past few weeks. Grandma Vi went to the emergency room and my Scooby Dude got a concussion, never mind the other cancer diagnosis and sending loved ones off to war. Maybe it helps that life is already like a war.
In five years he has a significant percentage of chance he’ll still be here, and that includes being inflicted with another kind of disease or being in an accident. So basically the doctors are telling us we all have about a five year expectation. Apparently the doctors don’t give any of us more than that.
Of course, every morning we wake up, it’s a 50/50 shot we’ll do it again tomorrow. None of us really know how long we have here. I think things like cancer exist in order to help us refocus our priorities. These bad things happen as a way to teach us. The more stubborn we are, the harder the lesson.
I have been letting things get out of hand. I had begun to consider money as an important way for me to contribute. If money were better, everyone wouldn’t worry as much. Not necessarily. I keep forgetting those I have known with money and how unhappy they are in other areas. I do not have a job to worry about, and I have loved ones who will run when I call.
Now it is my job to do what I can to make things better. That doesn’t mean by finding a job and being away while other people care for the important things in life. I am here; that is enough. I am here to drive in traffic, through construction, to go to a doctor’s appointment in a crowded campus hospital without having an anxiety attack. I am here to sit in endless waiting rooms, or walk miles through staff corridors when I lose myself finding the restroom, without mentioning the pain. I am here to remind the hands that I hold that sometimes it is enough to just breathe, without forgetting to breathe as well.
I am here to point out how hardships overcome are blessings to us now. Things are about to get even more difficult. Health, psyches, and money, all tenuously manageable before, are getting shaken up. Today is just the first day.
Today is just the first day in a new life. I can choose to appreciate it, or I can choose to let it overwhelm me. I am blessed-I do not have to worry about my work duties. I do not really even have to worry about my house duties. I cannot help but worry about other loved ones, but I cannot do anything to help them. I must help myself, and help my partner. I must be the potter who lets the tears moisten the hard clay, and work hard at this lump and shape it into a beautiful vessel ready to be filled. This is the moment.
I used to wish this was all over with. I wanted to always know how the story ends. Now I understand it is not about the end of the story but the path the characters took to reach that end. Before one story is over, another has begun. Maybe it is a series of connected stories, or just a different one by the same author. Still, it lives on beyond the intent.
That is who I am. That is what I want to be. I will survive this, by making it better. By listening with a heart of service, then acting on those things which I am called to do, I will be better.