As a mother of four adopted children, I’m often asked, “Should I adopt? How will I know it’s right for me?” While I can’t answer those questions for anyone but myself, I can offer my insight into what I’ve experienced and witnessed from fellow adoptive parents.
Growing your family through adoption can be a wonderful experience, but it’s not right for everyone. Assessing your current family and how the addition of an adopted child might impact your family dynamic is critical.
I can tell you with all honesty that adoption was, by far, the best decision I have ever made. I love my children so much. I am humbled and honored to have the privilege of being their mother. Do all the adoptive parents I’ve met have the same warm-fuzzy feelings? Most yes; but, not all.
Adoption is a very personal decision and a thorough self-examination of your ability to love and accept a child, you didn’t conceive, isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.
Some adoptive parents have had difficulty bonding with their adoptive children, in part because they have biological children. Maybe they thought they could love an adoptive child just the same, and disappointingly, they couldn’t. I have been asked questions like, “If I adopt, how can I protect my own children’s inheritance from my adopted children when I die?” It took me a minute to erase the look of shock from my face, before I responded, “When you adopt, that child is Yours. If you aren’t able to embrace that, you shouldn’t be considering adoption”.
A child needs to know that they are loved-fully and completely.
Some people have approached me asking questions about feathering their nest, through adoption, because they never got around to having biological kids and adoption just seems easier and cheaper than fertility treatments. Well, my first response is usually, “If you waited this long to start a family, what makes you think you really want one at all?” And of course it’s not easy. There can be many heartaches on the adoption path, just like in fertility treatments. A promised child may not become available, something may interfere with an adoption finalizing, and any child (biological or adopted) can have medical or developmental issues impacting the family forever.
Then, there are always those hopeful parents that have sought to get pregnant and either couldn’t or have lost a child. My heart just aches for them and the level of sadness that seems to engulf them, when they share their desires for a child to love. These would seem to be the most likely people to have successful adoption stories to share, but not always. Some eventually seemed bitter that they never carried a child to term or experienced the process of giving birth. And the few I met that had lost a child, seemed almost resentful that it’s not their biological child they’re raising and how life is not fair.
Life is not fair. Being honest with your deepest, darkest feelings is the only fair way to approach the topic of adoption. Adopting a child is a life-long commitment and must be approached with that understanding.
I would like to hope that there are more successful adoptions in the world than what the media would like us to think. You’ll often hear adoption horror stories on the news, before you’ll hear about happy well-adjusted ‘adoptive’ families.
So for someone asking whether they should adopt…I believe honesty with yourself, is the first step you should take.