At this point Ron Paul and I have entered a gay bar called the Caliente Salchicha. The good doctor is unaware of the nature of the establishment.
It was another domestic brew for me, the doctor ordered a club soda with a lime twist. I took the moment to ask Ron how he reconciled his libertarian philosophy with his anti abortion stance. He replied “I don’t. Society needs to make rules to protect life as well as liberty.” So you are in favor of criminalizing the procedure? “I didn’t say that either. Say, why are there only men in this place?” I could only shrug at this and redirect. I inquired as to whether he supported efforts to pass a “marriage protection” amendment. He replied in the affirmative and added “… our civilization has defined marriage as between man and woman and it is absolutely inappropriate to use government to redefine it.” I pointed out the same logic applied to resistance to redefining the relationship between black and white citizens of this country. “Absolutely.” he responded. “What good is a right to free association if the government can come in and force you to associate with people you don’t want to associate with?” I replied he would definitely pick up the endorsements of Bull Connor, George Wallace and Strom Thurmond if they were still with us. “I would be proud to accept them. They were principled men. I expect to receive a good many endorsements among the living as well.” was his reply. David Duke? “He can endorse who he wants. It’s a free country. Is this a gay bar?” I think the table of 5 near the kitchen bursting into “Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair” finally clued him in.
“What is with you?” an extremely agitated Ron asked. “I didn’t realize this is what ‘local color‘ meant!”. I assured him I had never been in this bar before. “We have to leave now!” the congressman exclaimed. “Can I finish my beer this time?” I asked. “No, I have to pee and can’t do it here.” he whispered. Why not? “I’m not exposing my weenie (his word) in a place like this. Besides, I’m hungry. Isn’t there a normal place around here to get a burger or something?” I assured him there was and we could get there quickly. “Good, my bladder isn’t what it used to be.”
As Ron and I proceeded on to my local watering hole, I asked the Congressman that since the Federal government shouldn’t force peoples to associate should we expect an attempt to repeal the civil rights acts of the 60s. “I can hope I would have a Congress that would work with me in that direction. I would like to see all of the prerogatives the states had at one time returned to them as well as the right to be discriminate returned to the individual.” Would that mean that if a state attempted to reenact Jim Crow era laws affected citizens couldn’t rely on the Federal courts to protect their rights? “State laws are for state courts to decide. The Federal government was set up with very limited powers and very limited ability to affect anything within the states. There are very specific powers delegated to each branch and virtually none that judicial branch has assumed were actually assigned to the judiciary.” So Marbury v Madison should be considered an example of activist judges overreaching? “I don’t know about that. Are we there yet? I have to visit the men’s room.”
Upon reaching The Harpers Rest Pub I could see the relief wash over the doctor. “This is more like it.” was the comment Ron made on his way to restroom. As I plopped down onto one of the many empty stools I heard “Frenchy, who’s the old guy?” from Pat Harper himself. I told Pat, “I don’t really know. He claims to be a congressman from Texas, running for president, and on the road looking for a running mate not corrupted by the system. I picked him up hitchhiking on Rt. 7.” Pat then speculated as to whether he would be interested in Old Man Metzger, the taverns resident political prognosticator, who at that moment was at the end of the bar trying to remain in an upright position.
The trip to the head completed, Ron joined me at the bar. He ordered a hamburger along with seltzer with a lime twist, drawing a disapproving glance from Pat. At this point I was rather optimistic about actually finishing the beer I was nursing while Representative Paul waited for his hamburger. I motioned Ron toward the end of the bar where Metzger was working himself into something close to focus after getting an earful from Pat. I informed Ron that Mr. Metzger was Harpers’ own philosopher in residence and that they had a number of views in common. One being that America had no business fighting Nazi Germany. “That was one of our biggest mistakes.” opined Ron. “It was none of our business. Why should we care who controls Europe. If we hadn’t been so successful that time, we would not have been tempted into being the worlds police. Think of all the blood and treasure we would never have wasted around the world and to no ones gain outside of a cabal of multinational billionaires.”
As the Doctors burger arrived, so did Metzger. “I hear you’re looking for a running mate.” Ron quickly swallowed the piece of burger he was working on and chimed in “I’m Ron Paul and I’m running for the Republican nomination for President.” Pat unsuccessfully tried to conceal a guffaw from his perch behind the bar. Metzger was of the opinion that the Congressman from Texas was more likely an Illuminati operative than a legitimate contender for the Presidency. I pointed out that Ron couldn’t possibly be Illuminati, he was no where near old enough. This only earned me a dirty look from both Metzger and Paul.
In an effort to lower the chances of Metzger venting his rage, I asked him for his theory as to why America entered WWII. “It’s obvious. The whole Roosevelt family were secret Jews from Holland, way back when. It was Rothschild money that got them into business in New York when it was New Amsterdam. The English came in and it was Rothschild connections in England that got the Roosevelt’s all sorts of land grants from the Queen, or was it the King, well, anyway, the Roosevelt’s were in thick with the Rothschild bunch and the English throne. So it was quid pro quo time when Hitler started wiping out the Jews in Europe.”
Ron, halfway through his burger at this point, responded with a chuckling “I’ve heard similar stories but they are impossible to prove. This may be consistent with other things we know but without proof they are only theories.” He then added “My campaign is focused on what we can do to move forward and reduce the governments role in our lives.” This seemed to have an agitating effect on Metzger. Ron then went back to work on his burger. I asked Mr. Metzger if he had voted for Ron Paul in 2008. Metzger replied “Never heard of him.” I asked if he considered himself a Libertarian. “Of course, I don’t believe in all this big government nonsense and I told my guy exactly that at the Social Security office! Smaller government should start with him!” I replied that I thought smaller government started with a vote for Ron Paul. I could see that Metzger was working himself up to a fit at this point when Dr. Paul decided to reenter the conversation. The following is a transcript of the conversation between Metzger and Paul, as I can best remember it.
Paul: I’m Ron Paul. I was the Libertarian Party candidate for President in 88 and I ran in 2008 for the Republican nomination. I am running again for the 2012 nomination and need to count on folks like you to help me.
Metzger: The Republicans started the New World Order and are pawns for the Internationalists!
Paul: I can change that with your help.
Metzger: (expletive deleted)
Paul: I can! I will end the Fed. I will stop all these rules coming from the U.N. and get our sovereignty back. I will stop Washington from interfering in the states and end all the social engineering that has been going on. I will cut…
Metzger: You said you were Republican? Did you used to be a Democrat?
Paul: No. I represent Texas in Congress as a Republican.
Metzger: You (expletive deleted) Republicans from Texas started all these wars we’re in!
Paul: Not me. I voted….
Metzger: I only vote Democrat. Didn’t I vote for you as a Democrat in the 70s?
Paul: I’ve always been Republican. Did you live in South Texas in the 70s?
Metzger: No, I’ve never been to Texas but I’m pretty sure I voted for you.
Paul: Maybe you voted for me when I ran as a Libertarian.
Metzger: I vote Democrat but I’m sure I voted for a guy that was saying what you are saying.
Pat Harper interjects here: When was the last time you voted Metzger?
Metzger: I think it was in the 80s.
Paul: Did you vote for me as a Libertarian?
Metzger: It was a (expletive deleted) Democrat!
Paul: How could you vote Democrat and be Libertarian?
Metzger: I think his name was Lindy LaRoo.
Paul and I: Lyndon LaRouche!
Paul: I hope to see a lot of his vision for America become reality, I need your help though.
Metzger: (still pretty worked up, but I was hoping we were past the peak and heading for the valley) What can I do?
Paul: I need money and volunteers. I need…
Metzger: You (expletive deleted) politicians always want our money! (we’re heading back to the peak)
Paul: Volunteer, if you’re sober.
The sober comment broke Metzger’s self control and he lunged for the Congressman. Fortunately, I was in a good position to hip check Metzger into the bar and Pat managed to get hold of him by his left arm and shirt collar. As I hustled the ruffled, but uninjured, Doctor through the door I called out to Pat that he should clear my tab for the evenings entertainment.
As Ron and I entered my car and headed back to the Holiday Inn I heard him muttering about never leaving Texas again. To keep him from getting overly morose, I told him his work must be very important and redirected him by asking if he really thought he could win the presidency. “People are plain tired of socialism so whoever gets the nomination will beat Obama. If that happens to be me, so much the better. I think there are enough Republicans tired of the same old same old Romney types that I do have a shot. Either way the Tea Party and I have changed the politics of the party so much it may not matter.”
I then inquired if he thought his newsletter problem would pop up again. “No doubt, but anyone who cares about that stuff is already in the Obama camp.” Did you write those newsletters? “Some, mostly I had ghostwriters. I just signed my name and pocketed the checks.” So you knew what you were signing, right? “I’m not a complete idiot.” he told me.
As we entered the Holiday Inn parking lot, Ron turned to me and said “This has been one of the weirdest nights I’ve ever had. Do you think anyone caught me on camera?” I assured him it was highly unlikely. As we pulled into a parking spot by the door he told me he was ready to turn in and inquired as to whether I intended to continue to volunteer for his campaign. I assured him that if he ever needed a chauffeur or an evening out again I could make myself available. He let out a clearly audible “Hrrmmph” at my offer. As he got out of the car, he mentioned he would be back next year when this state holds its primaries. I replied, “See you then.” His all too earnest answer was “Not if I see you first.” He shut the car door and set off toward the lobby at a very brisk pace.
There you have it. That is how I managed to drag the would be savior of our nation through a strip club, a gay bar, get him into a fight in an Irish Pub and one up Sasha Cohen. When I look back on it, I think Ron (not that he’d admit it) had a pretty good time. I’m sure that when Ron thinks of that night he remembers me fondly. After all, how many drinking buddies can a 76 year old Southern Baptist Congressman have?