One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is explaining grief to my children. When my mother died an unexpected death, I was left in a hole of unknown depth. Tears came easier than words, but so did fear. My children did not understand what I was going through and that made them scared for me. Grieving is a difficult process that often requires alone time and personal reflection. Children may not understand the pain you’re feeling during times of intense grief and you may not feel like explaining how you feel when all you want to do is cry, but parenting is about sacrifice and it’s your responsibility to talk with your child about grief rather than allowing your child to watch you cry without even the smallest idea about how you’re feeling.
Start with the oldest and work down to the youngest. When I chose to talk with my children about the grief I was feeling for my mother, I started with my oldest child. I felt she was mature enough to handle the situation better than her younger siblings. She was patient and gave me time to cry between brief moments when words were allowed to move from my lips. After a long talk, she offered to help be explain the situation to her younger sister and then both of my older daughters spoke to my youngest children about what was happening to mommy and why they should not be scared.
Talk about how grief feels, but leave out the clinical data on the five stages of grief. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I’d spent a week with family before returning home. I’d managed to move through the first three stages of grief rather quickly, but that fourth stage, depression, held on with the mightiest grip of all. When I talked with my children about grief, I didn’t go through the clinical explanation of grief stages; I talked about how I felt and how I was going to feel. Muddling right now’s reality with a long-winded explanation of grief did not seem fitting for a parent/child talk.
Share deeply with your spouse so they understand how to support you better. Explaining grief to your children is extremely important, but your spouse is there to pick up what’s left when you no longer have the energy to talk about it anymore. I spoke with my husband on the phone for hours every night after my mom died. When I returned home, he was there to greet me with a smile, a hug and acceptance, but he didn’t truly understand where I was in the grief process so he couldn’t help me explain what was happening to our children. I felt so alone inside that I’d forgotten there were people around me willing to help if I just reached out my hand to grab theirs.
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