My religious conversion is one of confusion and frustrations. I was born a Buddhist, but being a Buddhist in the “bible belt” is almost like writing 666 on your forehead. I feel like half the time I have the words” non christian” written on my person somewhere.
in 2007, when my family began going to church, I would go with them as a family thing but I made it clear that I was Buddhist and that was not going to change. Unfortunately, the next Sunday after the church found out I was Buddhist I was labeled with a ” Must be converted or else” sticker.
When I went to the church with every intention of keeping my own personal faith the pastor at one of the local churches in Richmond, Ky began his usual sermon of how Christ has saved us from our sin. Through the whole sermon I cannot help but think to myself, ” Are these people really that dense? Do Christians really think some man can forgive you of your sins and that there will be no consequences. How in the world can people believe such bull?”
My thoughts were interrupted as the doors were closed and a deacon of the church stood in front of the doors. The preacher said, ” There is one here who we know is not saved.” He points directly at me and continues his judgmental slogan. ” No one leaves this building until she confesses her sins and gets right with the Lord. “
” Is this guy for real?” I thought to myself. An hour had already went by and i was looking around at my mom and my step dad. They looked miserable and humiliated, so with a heavy heart and a depressed mind. I gave up the beliefs that I had held onto for so long.
I thought that making others happy may be a little more important than the religious segregation that i always felt, so I let go. I walked out of that pew and up the front. I fell to my knees and tried to give over to my life to the christian god.
People were released to go home and everyone seemed happy. I was congratulated but, I felt lost. I felt like a piece of my soul had been ripped out of me. I hear of people saying that once they find “Jesus” they are very happy. I was looking for that happiness.
Instead, I found more emptiness that I had ever thought possible. For six months straight, I tried to live the christian life. However, the christian life was tearing me apart. I wanted what I strongly believed in. I questioned the bible and I found nothing but hypocrisy, death, contradictions and lies. I found more pain and violence than I wanted to imagine.
With determination, I read the bible all the way through twice. I moved to the Philippines and married a christian Filipino only to discover that he was not the person he said he was. I found darkness within him that hurt me more than I could ever express.
The very moment I landed back in the united states in my birth town of Springfield, Missouri things changed. I was greeted at the airport by a meditation room and that was the sign I was looking for. I would embrace the Buddha within me once more.
I began to cling to the Tibetan part of life that was hidden in my soul. Passion for my beliefs grew stronger and I searched for a Tibetan place or Tibetan family within Springfield Missouri that I could practice with.
I found a meditation group in Springfield and from there my commitment to Buddhism grew stronger. In January of that year I moved in with a zen Buddhist priest who then sent me to Seattle, Washington where my faith would grow stronger.
There I took refuge in a monastery of the Sakya school of tibetan buddhism under the great rule of the precious Rinpoche HH Jigdal Dagchen Sakya. It was the most incredible experience ever. From the point on my commitment and faith has been solid.
Recently, I still have close friends who are christian come before me. They invite me to church and i tell that that if i go it would be taking refuge in another god which would break my vows to my Rinpoche. From that point on, the conversation just goes down hill. They ask what I believe in. I tell them I am Buddhist and I am then pushed away and judged.
IT only gets worse after I tell them I used to be christian because in a Christian’s brainwashed mind, once a believer chooses another faith, they are choosing Satan. So Christians often think that other people of other faiths are enemies because they have chosen another path.
I feel sad at the loss of friends over such petty reasoning, but to each their own. Perhaps someday christian zealots will see the bible for what it really is, a death warrant. As for me and my heart, I will belong to the great powers of Chenrezig til my death, even if I do burn it Hell.