Having a family member who is narcissistic can wreak havoc in your life, as well as the lives of your spouse, children, parents or other family members. The narcissistic family member makes no effort to tone down their grandiose sense of self-importance just because they are in the presence of family members; in fact, it may be family members who suffer the most from the narcissist’s sense of superiority, their devaluing of others, hurtful remarks and other attributes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Basic overview of the narcissist
The primary feature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is pattern of grandiosity. The narcissist has a grandiose sense of self-importance and requires excessive attention and admiration. They believe they are superior to others and should be catered to.
Diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, according to the DSM-IV includes, but is not limited to, a grandiose sense of self-importance, a belief of being so “special,” that he or she can only be understood by or should associate with other high-status persons or institutions, having a sense of entitlement which includes the expectation of automatic compliance with his expectations, unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment, is interpersonally exploitative to the point of taking advantage of others to meet her own ends, is lacking in empathy and shows arrogant, haughty behaviors.
The narcissist in the family
While you may not have put the label on the family member displaying narcissistic behaviors and attitudes, there may very well be a narcissist in your family who is affecting some aspects of your life to the point that it can be irritating, to say the least. Whether the narcissist is a parent, sibling, adult child or someone else, he or she can make family relationships challenging.
The narcissistic family member already has a feeling of grandiosity and superiority, so other family members may become the target of the narcissist’s expectations of being given what they want, when they want, disregarding what it may mean to others. It is their belief that they are entitled to special privileges failing to recognize or care that other family members have wants and needs just as the narcissist does. If not aimed directly at the family member that the narcissist is talking to, then other family members may find themselves listening to harsh criticisms and name-calling the narcissist engages in after another family member has failed to give the narcissist what he or she wants. Family members of an individual suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder may also find themselves the target of the narcissist’s impatience, devaluing of acknowledgement or praise or accomplishments of others, and hurtful comments.
Family members may also be embarrassed by public outbursts from the narcissist seeking immediate catering to, as they believe they should be attended to right now, should not have to stand in the same lines as others or deserve special treatment. It is the narcissist who regularly refers to physicians, nurses, waitresses, store clerks and family members as “stupid,” “ignorant,” an “idiot,” or worse.
Long explanations of how others have wronged them, basically because the narcissist was not granted the immediate admiration or special privileges he is entitled to, in his opinion, may consume family conversations. After all, it is not the experiences, feelings or needs of other family members that matters; it is only the experiences, feelings and needs of the narcissist that matter.
Avoiding the harmful effects of the narcissistic family member’s venom
If you have a narcissistic family member, you are most likely familiar with the venom that is spewed at will, particularly when the narcissistic family member does not receive more possessions, more attention and admiration than other family members, due to their inflated sense of grandiosity and entitlement. The narcissist has to be recognized even when family members attempt to be recognized for their own accomplishments or makes remarks regarding the accomplishments of other family members. Somehow, some way, the narcissist will put himself or herself into the equation that has led to the accomplishments of others.
The venom flies often with hurtful remarks from the narcissist, either directly to or about family members. Dealing with these issues may seem overwhelming, but there are ways to minimize the effects of the narcissist’s degradation and disrespect towards the family.
Open your eyes to the effects that the narcissistic family member has on you and your immediate family members. Do not just turn away and pretend that the behaviors, actions and attitudes of the narcissistic family member are not harmful. Tune out the venom that the narcissist in your family spews with disregard to the effects that it has. Do not internalize that venom.
Do not allow the narcissist access to your own records such as financial accounts, policies or wills that the narcissist is no party to. The narcissist’s sense of entitlement may result in the narcissist making copies or remembering enough details for later use, such as challenges to a will or beneficiaries listed on policies or accounts.
Do not let yourself get involved in a name-calling shouting match or other behaviors that attract attention or ends with you in tears, feeling belittled and humiliated. If you do, the narcissist wins.
When the narcissist criticizes other family members, calling them “stupid,” “ignorant,” or insulting them in other ways, is the time for you to go. If you are on the telephone at the time, say that you have to go, and hang up. If you are visiting the narcissist at the time, make a quick exit. Do not allow the narcissist to continue the conversation. If you are in the company of your narcissistic family member when she makes a scene in a restaurant, hospital or family gathering, walk away. This shows you do not support what she is doing and detracts from her perceived importance and superiority.
You may have to put distance between you and your narcissistic family member. Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. says in “Protect Yourself from the Narcissist’s Venom,” that you should “Be clear about your own boundaries and do not allow yourself to be overrun by the narcissist.”
Protecting yourself from the narcissist is achievable. It does hurt when it is your own family member. But remember, you are a family member too. The narcissist just has such a lack of empathy that it does not matter if you are family when it interferes with his or her grandiosity, de-valuation of others, sense of entitlement and other attitudes and behaviors of the narcissist.