What might indicate a heart out of rhythm

What might indicate a heart out of rhythm

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Arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat) can have no symptoms, or can cause palpitations (a feeling of skipped heart beats or fluttering), pounding in your chest, dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, chest discomfort, weakness, or fatigue. Cha…

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My opening paragraph? What do you think and how can I fix it?

Q: Okay, I’m not telling you my age because I hate it when people go easy on people or praise them for their “ability for their age”. I want my writing to speak for me.Its an opening paragraph to a fantasy/adventure story that I am currently revisiting after leaving it for a while. I have written a few thousand words but am weary of sharing my work online.When I wrote it, I was actually quite proud of it…now I just cringe. What do you think?Chapter 1River sprinted down the empty streets of *Arkadia, his heart beating madly beneath the rhythm of the thunderous skies. Rain gushed against the cobblestone pathways as violent winds swept the streets, tossing his shaggy, mocha hair into a whirlwind. People locked and bolted their doors rigidly as he passed, the approaching darkness hushing the town into silence. Smoke seeped out of shutting windows as villagers relit their candles, weary of letting any light leak into the streets, which might indicate a presence within their dwelling. A sickening fear possessed him, urging him to run on. The sun was setting behind him, pulling and dragging the light with it. Shadows grew and reached for him with their inhuman claws, ready to tear him apart as the sun stole the last shard of gold from the village. Roaming the streets after nightfall, would leave one at the mercy of the darkness. The only consequence: death.*Arkadia is the name of part of a Fantasy world I created. 1. What do you think?2. Would you read on?3. What’s wrong with it? (grammatically, plot wise etc.)4. How can I fix it?And just any advice on writing in general.Thank you, and happy writing to all those other aspiring authors out there. :)Lori. x

A: 1. this is creative and amazingly written with all the vivid detail and active sentences. and also very intriguing and didn’t make me cringe lol2. yes3. there isn’t really anything wrong with it. grammatically it seems fine to me, except for the second to last sentence i don’t think there should be a comma between nightfall and would. from what i’ve read of it there doesn’t seem anything wrong with the plot. there’s suspence and almost a breathlessness, if that makes sense. and the only thing i can really say that i noticed (but isn’t really wrong or even bad) is that a lot of your sentences start with words like “Rain gushed” “Smoke seeped” “Shadows grew”, and it felt a little bit like a list of details, or a list of seperate sentences put into a paragraph. 4. there isn’t much to fix. i mean the sentence thing isn’t even a distraction, and it just sounds more intense that way. but maybe at times the story get a little bit dramatic with the inhuman claws of shadows reaching to tear him apart. its not that that phrasing is bad or anything, i just think that there is a lot of emphasis on the sun setting behind him, and then the shadows, and then the merciless darkness. maybe just shorten up that bit a little somehow, because the imagery and the terror in that part of very clear.and any advice: keep writing. you’re good at it so don’t stop!