Things People Over 50 Are Too Old to Wear

How do I know what things people over 50 are too old to wear? I’ve just recently discovered that I’m old. It all started when my daughter and I found full length mirrors on sale for $4.00. Don’t bother running out to get one. They’re all gone. Besides, if you’re over 50, you’re better off not looking in a full length mirror anyway. It’s quite depressing. Particularly if you’re fat like me. You see, even if I lose the weight, I’m still old. Isn’t that sad? You can’t lose old. Anyway, getting back on track, there are things people over 50 really are too old to wear, no matter what kind of shape they’re in.

Bikinis are just an under 35 kind of thing, aren’t they? No matter what kind of shape you’re in, if you’re over 50, you are too old to wear a bikini. OK, maybe if you’ve had plastic surgery and your skin is drawn up tighter than a bass drum. But only if you are not obsessed with tanning or covered in those brown splotches.

Halter tops look ridiculous on anyone over 50. For that matter, 40 is pushing it. Just ask your teenage daughter. Yes that was you that she and her friends were giggling at last weekend at the beach. What are you going to do about it? Right on. Keep wearing them out of spite. Good solution. Just don’t expect her to hang out with you any time soon.

Tie dyed shirts are for aging hippie chicks. At least that’s who wears them. Unfortunately, if you’re over 50, wearing a tie dye shirt and not an aging hippie, people will think you are anyway. You might as well go all the way. To complete this frightening ensemble, get yourself a headband, let your hair grow gray and long. Don’t comb it. Hang a peace sign around your neck. This look people over 50 are too old to wear works for men and women. It’s unisex. Just like your old college.

Cute hats are anything but cute on people over 50. It’s especially important to avoid birds, flowers and feathers. Glittery top hats are also out, especially if you plan to wear them with tights and a leotard. Maybe you’re planning on joining the circus? If so, go for it. Otherwise, leave the hat on the rack. It looks better there.

Nothing is the worst thing people over 50 can wear. Avoid nude beaches like the plague. Keep the lights low when you get undressed at night. Your spouse will thank you. I remember being completely traumatized just over my Mom changing her shirt one day. It was scary. Little did I know what fate had in store for me after 50. Lets face it, there are some things people over 50 are too old to wear. Avoid them at all costs.

More from Jaipi:

What to Wear to the Beach when You’re Fat

Lose Weight Fast: Avoid These Five Bad Habits

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