The holiday time of the year from Thanksgiving through New Years is usually a time of joy, laughter and merriment for most people. However, for people who have lost a spouse during the past year, the holidays may be a painful time of grief instead.
The first holidays after losing a loved one are difficult for people who are grieving. Friends and other family members may be unsure of how to act or what to say to support their loved one during the holiday time. The best way to help is often to let them know that you care about them and love them.
Stages of Grief
Some therapists, as Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, describe grief as a series of stages. The stages of Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance may not always be followed in this order and resolution for people who are grieving. People may become stuck in a particular stage for a period of time. Some counselors see grief as a spiral pattern. When it comes out inappropriately, unresolved grief may be seen as road rage, substance abuse or lashing out verbally or physically. The frequency, intensity and duration of periods of grief usually does decrease in relation to the passage of time.
Loss of a Spouse
For those mourning their spouse, there will be good days and bad days. The surviving spouse learns how to live with loss and adapts to life without their loved one. Often, an elderly person may be better able to cope with the loss of their spouse as they now have the wisdom of life experiences to help cope. They may also have adult children who can help them with life arrangements and also provide a listening ear.
Younger people who lose a spouse may have more difficulty with their grief as they may still have young children to care for each day. They may not be able to take the time they need to grieve when they have to keep it together for the sake of the everyday tasks of raising their children.
What a Grieving Person Can Do to Cope During the Holidays
Expect to have some pain when feelings come up. Let them come. Talk about feelings to supportive people. Incorporate your loved one who died into the holiday season. Make a donation in your loved one’s name. Modify or make new holiday traditions if it feels right; if children are involved, include them in these decisions. Affirmations can help to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Prepare for January as sometimes the time after the holidays can bring more sadness than the actual holidays.
Don’t hide feelings from children to protect them as this only teaches them to deny their feelings. Don’t isolate yourself. Accept a few invitations during the holidays. Don’t expect to go through defined stages of grief in an orderly preset amount of time. Don’t be afraid to cry.
What Family and Friends Can Do to Help
Being a good listener may be the most important thing to do to allow the grieving spouse to talk about their feelings or reminisce. Being available during the holidays and special events may be most important as this is when the loss is felt the deepest. Be understanding if the grieving person takes out their anger on you. Keep in touch by calling or writing letters. Remind them that you love them. Prayer has been known to be a powerful influence for another person.
What Family and Friends Should Not Do
Do not avoid the person because you don’t know the right thing to say or do; your presence may be very helpful. Don’t tell someone to stop grieving, as everyone has their own amount of time that is needed to grieve. Be supportive of their need to cry, scream or just hold them. Don’t hide your own grief or feelings as you may also be grieving for the same person. Don’t say “It was for the best” as this does nothing to diminish the pain of loss. Don’t say “I know how you feel” unless you really do and have lost a loved spouse.
This Holiday Season
The best thing to do is to let the grieving person know that you care about them during the holiday season. This is more important than the words that you say, as people appreciate the concern that is shown.
If support is needed outside of the family, the family minister may serve as a supportive counselor. Local hospice grief counselors are also available and can be a valuable resource to spouses and their families who are grieving during the holidays, as well as other times of the year.
Resources
Personal experience of working as a Palliative Care Team Nurse for 5 years at a large urban medical center.
http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3366
http://depression.about.com/od/griefcomfort/a/holidaygrief.htm
http://www.funeralplan.com/griefsupport/holidays.html
http://www.nfda.org/grief-resources/holidaysspecial-events.html
http://www.livinglifecounseling.com/coping-with-grief.html