Overcoming a painful break-up?
It is a pain that is unbearable. It feels like someone has an ice pick right on your heart and every now and then, presses it in deeper and slowly. Your heart feels swollen, injured, and irreparable. You feel a strong sense of loss, an acute, sharp, lingering pain in your chest that makes you cry so hard you can’t cry anymore. You want to scream and curl up in bed to not face the day. How could this person who you love so deeply, hurt you like this?
A broken heart is really difficult to get over but the good news is that you will get over it. There are stages of a broken heart which lead you through the healing process. Each stage of healing can be tough well into the final stage. It is up to you to take the necessary steps to get there safe and sound. I have heard it be said that it takes ½ the time you were in the relationship to get over the person. But I have experienced this process more than once and can tell you that it is up to you to speed up into the last stage of pain. I have also heard people say “time heals all wounds” this is true.
You can be over a broken heart but there are also “side-effects” from experiencing a break-up or a bad relationship that go beyond the last stage of a broken heart. Some of these side effects are ill gotten gains that help you make better choices about the mates you select in the future and you definitely want this wisdom as it is a benefit to you. You must also avoid unhealthy, negative, self destructive internal dialogue; I will help you understand to recognize when you are doing it and how to redirect that type of thinking.
During the stages of healing, you may have setbacks. A setback can throw you right back to a previous stage. You have 100% control of setbacks. Setbacks happen when you allow something to remind you of the person, or, when you give into the person again. You should never look back if you really need to heal from your broken heart; even when you want it more than anything. I hope to help you understand the stages and side effects.
Stages by emotions: (these are in order by strength)
The break up: you make the decision that it is done or someone has made that decision for you.
Stage 1: Disbelief, shock, numbness, strength, sadness, confusion, anger, fear of loneliness.
Stage 2: Anger, disbelief, strength, fear, hostility, and vengeance may show up, pain, and sorrow.
Stage 3: Missing the person intensely, pain, sorrow, numbness, confusion, missing the person intensely, wanting to cave, pain, fear of loneliness, disbelief, negative internal dialogue, acceptance.
Stage 4: Numbness, acceptance, strength, pain, fear of loneliness, sorrow, numbness, disbelief, wanting to insult the person, vengeance may show up, sorrow, anger, acceptance, strength.
Stage 5: Missing the person less intensely, pain, acceptance, fear of loneliness, negative self outlook, loss of hope for future relationships, needing the company of others, numbness, acceptance.
Stage 6: Acceptance, needing the company of others, loss of hope for future relationships, negative internal dialogue, missing the person less intensely, needing the company of others, strength.
Stage 7: Strength, wanting to improve, feeling attractive again, acceptance, needing the company of others, missing the person less intensely, a little bit of sorrow at night while in bed.
Stage 8: Acceptance, needing the company of others, hopeful about the future, wanting to improve, missing the person sometimes, strength, positive internal dialogue, needing the company of others, feeling OK about being single.
Side effects (examples in parenthesis):
1 Side effect that is an ill gotten gain: Ability to recognize a bad trait in a new potential mate and having the courage to refuse to go through a bad relationship again.
Strong opinions about yourself that are not based on true facts (thinking that these thins only happen to you because you are damaged goods)
Negative self view (thinking you are ugly, thinking you deserve to be mistreated)
Negative internal dialogue (telling yourself you deserve this, telling yourself you are ugly, fat, weird, strange, stupid, dumb, smelly, unstylish, poor, a parent that nobody wants, baggage)
Harmful self destructive behavior/self abuse (binging, over eating, cutting, wanting to die, seeking to die, drug use, drinking too much, driving recklessly, taking risks, having unprotected sex)
Self neglect (not taking proper care of yourself, letting yourself go)
If you experience these side effects, you remain in a broken heart stage and this is not healthy. You need to really make a decision to improve in your weak areas and take control of your life. Live purposefully and decide to be free from pain and be done with the stages. You have the right and the power to live a life free from pain, and negativity. One experience does not define your future.