— Brought to you by Staff Writers at “The Radish”
Update: the official announcement for Dancing with the Stars season 13 cast was made on August 29. The staff writers would like to point out that they were right about Chaz Bono, and half right about George Clooney, since one of his exes is on the show. That’s about a 6% accuracy rate, which puts them in line with all the other gossip pundits. See the last page for link to the official announcement.
Some snarky Internet writers have said that ABC’s show “Dancing with the Stars” should be dubbed “Dancing with the D- List.” Though we have all appreciated getting to know some previously forgotten talents (how are Belinda Carlisle and Aaron Carter doing these days anyway?), how about getting some more “mostly famous” celebrities on Dancing with the Stars – you know, the kind that show up in the tabloids, or get lots of hits on YouTube?
Here are our nominations for Dancing with the Stars, Season 13, Fall 2011
Arnold Schwarzenegger – Schwarzenegger’s career has followed the typical celebrity path: starting at Austrian and World Champion Bodybuilder; building up to Conan, Terminator, governor of the most populous state in the nation; and then back down again to Dirty Old Man. He’s in need of buffing up his image just a little (see: Bristol Palin, Tom DeLay), and Dancing with the Stars is just the place to do it. Politicians always come out looking better once we’ve seen their Foxtrot. Oh, wait, DeLay is in prison now. No matter, we’re sure Schwarzenegger is much better at the Paso Doble. Schwarzenegger is our number one pick for season 13
David Cassidy – Okay, we know, he’s not on the radar right now. But Donny Osmond won Dancing with the Stars two seasons ago, and everyone knows that David Cassidy was way cuter back in the day. How many teenage girls had a poster of David Cassidy on their walls back in the 70s? How many (outside of Utah) had a poster of Donny Osmond? ‘Nuff said. Cassidy is our number two pick for season 13.
Jamie Lee Curtis – You ‘ve got to love a “scream Queen” who posed topless for the cover of the AARP magazine. And in gray hair, too. She spent so much time cheering on Jennifer Grey on Dancing with the Stars that we thought she should have her own turn in the spotlight. Maybe she could do a “True Lies” – themed tango with Schwarzenegger. Curtis is our number three pick for season 13.
Russell Hantz – Every show needs its “bad boy,” and Hantz has made a cottage industry out of acting like a little banty rooster. Watch for him to steal other contestants’ shoes and spread coconut oil on the dance floor. Should be fun watching him do the Dancing with the Stars quick step. Hantz is our number four pick for season 13.
Katie Couric – From “scum” to “chum,” Katie will provide a counterbalance to Hantz’ cackling villain. Our intuition tells us Katie wouldn’t be against hamming it up on the dance floor. (Let’s just hope she doesn’t decide to take us on a “Dancing with the Stars” tour of any body parts while she’s on the show. Couric is our number five pick for season 13.
William Shatner – Here is the quintessential Dancing with the Stars contestant, an old fellow still strutting around and wiggling his eyebrows to get you to notice him (see: David Hasselhoff who was described as “dancing mostly with his mouth.”) Beam him onto the dance floor. Shatner is our number six pick for season 13.
Rebecca Black – Rumor has it that her production company made her “Friday” video and sent out messages asking people to take a look at it and vote on whether it was the “worst video ever.” Brilliant strategy. Her video got millions of hits. But she’s in need of a little jolt to her unearned celebrity. When you search for her name on YouTube now, all you get is the parodies. A few turns on the Dancing with the Stars ballroom floor should help out with that little problem. Black is our number seven pick for season 13.
George Clooney -High-flying Clooney doesn’t fit any of the criteria for a Dancing with the Stars contestant: he’s not washed up or obscure. We just want to see more of him. Maybe we should vote him governor of California. Clooney is our number eight pick for season 13 – or any other season.
Oprah Winfrey – She’s no longer on the air! We can’t get our O-fix every day! Which is why she has to be on the show. OWN Dancing with the Stars. Oprah is our number nine pick for season 13.
Bristol Palin’s Ex-Boyfriend – He needs to be on the show so that we can all remember what his name is, and stop referring to him as “Bristol Palin’s ex-boyfriend.” Palin told America, during her stint on Dancing with the Stars, that she’s “not fake,” which the other contestants presumably were. We’d love to hear Levi Johnston’s take on that. Johnston is our number 10 pick for season 13.
Joaquin Phoenix – What is this guy up to? First he was Johnny Cash, then he was a crazy guy, then he wasn’t really crazy, he was just doing a “mockumentary.” Sounds like he needs the discipline of the ballroom on Dancing with the Stars, season 13. Phoenix is our number 11 pick for season 13.
Chaz Bono – We realized we had too many men on our list, so we thought we’d throw in Chaz a.k.a. Chastity Bono. Remember that sweet little girl that would show up at the end of the Sonny and Cher show? What? She’s a guy now? Hey, we’re all for living out your dream. You go, dude. Let’s see how he cuts a rug on Dancing with the Stars.
And there you have it, our 12 picks for season 13.
The official Dancing with the Stars season 13 Announcement
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