Faced with the daunting question plaguing members of both constituencies, “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” members of Congress met this week to propose a plan forward. Setting the stage for an epic battle, Democrats and Republicans alike dug in to defend their positions.
Democrats Propose Plan
Striking the first blow in the Woodchuck War, Democratic leaders presented their 94,000 page proposal for vote. With a $78 Quadrillion price tag, leaders move for new taxes on the wealthiest 1% and greedy Oil Corporations in order to fund their proposal. Presenting his plan before the Woodchuck Union #420 in Chicago this week, President Obama issued the following challenge to the GOP:
“These woodchucks represent the heart of America. We believe that EVERY woodchuck has the right to chuck wood, and NOW is the time to get them chucking again! Pass this Bill NOW! (… crowd breaks into thunderous applause) In the meantime, we will extend benefits to all woodchucks that have no wood to chuck, and do our part to make sure that all those woodchucks chucking more than their fair share are brought to justice.”
Republicans Respond
In an immediate response to the proposed Democratic plan, Republican congressional leaders announced confidently that they had the votes needed to block the Bill. Not to be outdone, the GOP presented plans of their own. Senator John Boehner declared, “With deregulation and more incentive, we believe strongly the American Woodchuck will chuck their way out of this hole.” He then presented his plan, centered on a reduction in corporate taxes and the complete elimination of the Capital Gains Tax.
Asked to speak on the issue, several candidates in the race for the party nomination for President responded:
“I understand the plight of the Woodchucks. I have worked with Woodchucks in private enterprise and I have led the Woodchucks in my great state of Massachusetts. In my 842 point plan, I outline specifically how to increase the wood available to Woodchucks for chucking.” – Mitt Romney
“Since I have been Governor of Texas, I have created more jobs for Woodchucks in the Oil & Gas Industry than any other state. Texan Woodchucks chuck more wood that just about any woodchuck should.” – Rick Perry
“First we have to Audit the Fed, then we can concentrate on less of a Keynesian view of chucking wood, and reconsider more appropriately the Austrian model.” – Ron Paul
“Nine. Nine. Nine.” – Herman Cain
Woodchucks Grow Weary
As working-class woodchucks continued to chuck the wood they could, sentiment continued to sour against the political process and hopes that Congress could reach agreement. While conservative and liberal woodchucks continued to be divided in ideals, both segments are reaching one consensus opinion:
Maybe it’s time to start chucking career politicians instead.